Although our circumstances change seemingly in a moment, people change in a much more gradual way, both physically and mentally. I’m sure you’ve noticed this if you have ever set a goal in the gym. I get texts from my girl friends on a regular basis saying,
“I’ve been eating healthy for a whole five minutes. Am I fit yet?”
I know they’re joking. But there is some truth to the matter. We all hope that our efforts will be met with instantaneous results. But I think we are all well aware that it is not common sense to think this way. But that doesn’t stop us though does it?
People do change incrementally over time though. It is a reflection of our actions and the circumstances that happen in our lives. They happen so slowly that, often, we don’t even realize they’ve happened until we look at an old photo or run into someone from the past that sees it.
Let’s Talk About your Ex
So, you’ve gone through a breakup and the person standing in your girlfriend’s place hardly resembles the girl she was when you started dating.
Likely, you’ll find yourself wondering why this may have happened and if she’ll ever go back to being the girl you fell in love with.
Believe me. I have been in your position more than once. I know it isn’t pleasant.
As people, we have a tendency to stop paying attention to things after a time. You spend all this time working hard to get something and then once you get it, you turn your attentions to something elses. It’s likely that after you were with your girl for a while, you stopped paying her the same level of attention as you did in the beginning.
Let me put it this way. I spent a few months living with my employers when I was working as a Personal/Executive Assistant. While I was there, I was charged to keep things around the house in order. I became friends with the young housekeeper. We took to playing a game. We would shift things in the house by five inches every so often, eventually leaving the entire room shifted.
One day, after a particularly long day sorting through land titles and deeds, my boss and I took a break and he sank back into his chair, relaxed.
Do You Even Have a Chance of Getting Your Ex Back? Find out in 2 Minutes...Take Quiz Now
“There’s something weird about this room.”
“What’s that?” I asked
I thought he meant since his wife was constantly remodeling and redecorating things. But his brow furrowed and his eyes became slits as he looked around.
“It’s the same… but… different. Am I losing my mind?”
I’ll be honest, I felt so bad for him because he worked so much he didn’t notice the difference. It took everything in me to hide my amusement at his reaction.
I told him about our little game and luckily he thought it was funny too. He even joined in moving things slightly to see how long it took his wife to notice.
We would be entertaining groups from work at their house even months later and I’d look up from my conversation to see him move a vase when she turned to refill a guests glass of wine and then chuckle to himself.
I know suddenly noticing that the world around you has changed can be alarming. I imagine it’s a lot like waking up from a decade long coma.
The Reasons Behind Her Changing
There could be a millions reasons as to why your ex has changed, but we can only guess at those reasons. I’ll lay out my thoughts on the matter first and then we can move on to how you should react to these changes.
You’re a Blind Man
As I said before, it’s normal to kind of… stop noticing things after a while.
Where do you think the whole notion of a man not noticing a change in a woman’s hair or dress that you see in movies or read in stories comes from? Surely it’s grounded in something as it has lasted all these years. Don’t you think?
When you are dealing with work… school… family issues… friends… and other things that tend to go on other than a relationship, it’s easy for new freckles, a change in her appearance, or a change in her character to go overlooked. Hell, even when there isn’t a lot going on, those things change so slowly, like the weathering of a mountain, that you could be sitting your butt on the couch everyday playing video games next to her and miss it.
In a relationship, adjustments are made to make the partner more comfortable in it. Over time, these become part of who you are while you are together.
Likewise, if you lie about who you are or your intentions in the beginning, you are damning yourself to wear a mask for the remainder of the relationship. Although, most times, it is impossible to hide one’s true nature.
In this manner, if she made an effort to be accommodating in the beginning, especially on a large scale, then it will be impossible to keep up the ruse forever.
Hiding something while also trying to forge a close bond with someone is a nearly impossible endeavor.
She’s Finding Herself
A breakup drove a wedge between the two of you, so there are bound to be some not-so-nice feelings flying about.
Think about the last time you had bad blood between you and someone, let’s say a parent. After a fight, how keen were you on being as different from them as possible once you had stewed for a bit. How determined were you to be your own person after that?
A breakup has the same effect.
When you’ve spent a long time with someone in a relationship, it becomes hard to see where they end and you begin.
- You mix interests together
- You share concerns with each other
- You plan the future together.
Once that all ends, especially when there is anger, it becomes important to search out a sense of personal identity. She will feel lost at first and she’ll want to regain a sense of purpose of her own.
So, if she is making dramatic changes AFTER the fact, it’s likely that this is the reason behind it.
She’ll change her hair and probably buy some new clothes.
She’ll make new friends.
She’ll start to go out and meet new people… male people.
And you’ll start singing Drake songs…
She’s Become Hostile
The woman who once loved you and cared about you, is now making life a living hell for you.
I’ve seen it happen again and again.
You see, before, I was talking about the change in who she is as a positive. It is also possible for that feeling of lost identity to take over and she’ll “go to the Darkside,” so to speak. Basically, when you broke up, instead of searching for a direction she chose to flail blindly without direction.
This will have left her lost and wildly unhappy. The only thing she can think to do is blame you. It is imperative that you realize that her actions now do not diminish the feelings she had for you before. Be especially mindful if you are in No Contact when she chooses to be malicious.
How to React
As I’m sure you can probably tell from what we’ve gone over thus far, I’m about to say something I say all of the time. However, if you are new to our site you might not be ready for this. You might not… like it. But I assure you that it is the truth.
If you and your ex split up, you can rest assured that the same woman you were with before is in there. However, you cannot expect her to ever be the same as she was. You cannot expect things to be as they were.
It’s hard to hear.
The first step will be mourning the relationship you had and accepting that the love or connection that you had with each other.
Don’t misunderstand me. You may very well get her back, but the relationship you gain will be different from the one you had… especially if there’s been animosity between the two of you.
So, take some time.
Be sad about it.
Cry if you must.
Be angry if you must, but don’t go punching walls like so many of the men I counsel. Don’t punch people either.
Take a day. Take a week. But when you are done… be done with it.
Yes, there will be moments when it catches up with you and kicks you in the butt. But you mustn’t let it stop you in your tracks. That is the main thing.
The second thing is that you don’t get tied up in watching her transform. It does not matter if she is become someone better, or worse, or hostile. Whatever transformation she is going through it is important for her to find out who she wants to be.
Thirdly, it is important that you do the same. Find a direction. Choose a path that you want to be on and chase it fervently.
In following ExGirlfriend Recovery Program, you are required to make it through No Contact. You must if you want her back, but you should even if that is not your end goal. No Contact allows you both time to heal and to move forward. It is best that you take the opportunity to make some changes of your own… for the better.
None of this running around acting like a spurned kid in middle school moping over a girl for everyone to see.
For it is just that… an opportunity.
The longest suggested period of No Contact is 45 days. that is long enough to choose a path ans set upon it. To read more about No Contact you can read this article here or watch this video here. And, most certainly, if you find you have questions about any of our directions, simply pop it into the comments on any of our articles. Because I KNOW that what we tell you to do is NOT easy and you’ll likely need some guidance at some point. Rest assured you have a solid support group here at ExRecovery, and friends.
Making Friend With Uncertainty
I know that telling you not to obsess over this change in your ex is like asking the impossible. But, if I can do it as many times as I have, I believe that you can too.
You will doubt your ability to go though with No Contact, but mark my words, you will be thankful that you held out when you reach the next section of Ex Girlfriend Recovery, The Texting Phase.
Believe is or not, allowing yourself to be distanced from your ex will make reuniting easier. When you do reconnect with her, you will have to get re-acquainted first. Accepting that she is no longer the same person will allow you to get to know the new her without the hindrance of carried over expectations.
That is what gets the better of most people. They expect things to just pick up where they left off. However, if you take the information laid out in this article and combine it with the techniques laid out in Ex Girlfriend Recovery Pro, then you are likely to find yourself in a new relationship with the “new” version of your ex girlfriend that you have been stressing over thus far.
I heed caution though, fight that urge within you that tells you to beg her to be that girl again, to go back to the way things were. There is no turning back time, only building a future by laying a foundation over the ashes of the past.
As this section is titled, make friends with that part of you that makes you question her actions and turn that energy into a force within your own life and then towards getting to know her again.
Go! Do Great Things! Become Better! Win Her Back!