By Chris Seiter

Published on January 23rd, 2024

Navigating the fragile path of communication with an ex-girlfriend can be like walking on egg shells. How do you talk to an ex without stepping all over yourself?

It requires balance, patience, and a bit of courage. When a relationship ends, the aftermath can be a whirlwind of emotions, confusion, and longing. So keep the conversation chill and respectful. Really listen to what they’re saying, and when you share, keep it clear but cool – no drama. Stick to the good vibes and steer clear of old arguments. Basically, aim for a convo that’s mature but still light. It’s all about keeping it positive, no matter where things go.

But before diving headfirst into a conversation with your ex, it’s vital to understand the importance of space – both for you and your ex. Let’s explore this and much more as we discuss the best ways to speak to your ex when the time comes.

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How To Talk To Your Ex Girlfriend

So you are probably waiting with abated breath on what the rules are around talking to your ex-girlfriend.  But the truth of the matter is that the best way to begin conversations with your ex is often not to talk to your ex at all.  There is wisdom found in the silence.

Before Talking Be Sure Your No Contact Period is Over

In the immediate wake of a breakup, emotions run high, and clarity is often low. This is where the “No Contact Rule” comes in. It’s a period where you intentionally avoid contacting your ex. This time allows both of you to cool off, process the breakup, and gain perspective. It’s not about ignoring or punishing your ex, but rather about giving each other the necessary space to heal and reflect. A good rule of thumb is to maintain no contact for at least 30 days, but it can be longer, though usually not exceeding 60 days.

This pause can be pivotal in setting the stage for any future talking interactions.

Initiating Contact: The How and When

When the no-contact period has lapsed, and you feel it’s time to reach out, the first message is crucial. It should be light, neutral, and devoid of heavy emotional content.

For example, you could say something like, “Hey [Her Name], I saw [a book/movie/band] that reminded me of you. Hope you’re doing well.”

This kind of message shows you’re thinking of her without pressure.

Talking To Your Ex: Conversation Scenarios and Responses

Let’s discuss the nuances of conversing with your ex-girlfriend in various scenarios that can significantly influence the tone and direction of your interactions. Here’s a deeper look into each scenario with added context and example statements:

1. She’s Curious About Your Life

When she inquires about your life, your response should radiate positivity and openness without delving too deep. It’s about striking a balance between being forthcoming and maintaining some mystery. For example, “Life’s been pretty exciting lately! I started learning [new skill] and it’s challenging but fun. How have things been on your end?”

2. The Topic of Breakup Comes Up

Addressing the breakup requires a delicate touch. Acknowledge the past without dwelling on it. Show that you’ve grown from the experience. You might say, “The breakup gave me some perspective. It was tough, but I understand the reasons behind it better now.”

3. Discussing What You’ve Been Up To

Share updates that highlight your positive strides and personal development. For instance, “I’ve been exploring [new hobby] lately, which has been a great way to challenge myself and grow. It’s brought some interesting experiences.”

4. If She Mentions Dating Someone Else

Maintaining composure here is key. Show that you respect her choices. A response could be, “I’m glad to see you moving forward and finding happiness. That’s really important, and I support your journey.”

5. Talking About Mutual Friends or Interests

Keep the conversation light and relatable. “I ran into [mutual friend] the other day, and it reminded me of when we all went to [event/place]. They send their regards, by the way!”

6. When She’s Seeking Closure or Explanations

Be empathetic and acknowledge the shared history without placing blame. “Looking back, I see where things went sideways. I’ve been reflecting on my part in that. It’s helped me understand more about what relationships need to thrive.”

7. If She’s Indifferent or Cold

Respect her emotional state and don’t force engagement. A simple, “I understand this might be a bit unexpected. I just wanted to say hello and wish you well,” can be appropriate.

8. Revisiting Happy Memories

Acknowledge the good times with a touch of nostalgia, yet stay anchored in the present. “Remember when we did [activity]? That was such a great day. It’s nice to have those memories.”

9. Discussing Changes or Personal Growth

Illustrate your growth journey humbly. “Since we last spoke, I’ve taken some time to work on [aspect of personal growth]. It’s been a rewarding process, and I’ve learned a lot about myself.”

10. When She’s Sharing Personal Updates

Show that you’re happy for her without encroaching on her personal space. “It sounds like you’re doing really well with [her update]. I’m genuinely happy to hear that things are going great for you.”

Additional Tips for Conversing with Your Ex:

You may be wondering what you do to greatly enhance the quality of your conversations with your ex-girlfriend.  Effective communication is not just about what you say, but also how you say it and how you listen. Let’s delve deeper into these aspects:

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1. Use Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions facilitate a more meaningful conversation. They show that you’re interested in her thoughts and feelings, and not just trying to fill the silence. For example, instead of asking, “Did you like the movie?” ask, “What did you think about the movie’s theme?” This invites her to share more than just a one-word answer.

2. Avoid Sensitive Topics

It’s crucial to avoid topics that could lead to discomfort or arguments. This includes not dredging up past conflicts or discussing overly personal issues unless she brings them up and indicates she’s comfortable discussing them. Keeping the conversation on neutral or positive ground helps in maintaining a friendly and respectful interaction.

3. Body Language

In-person conversations carry the added dimension of body language. Maintain an open posture, which means avoiding crossed arms or legs, which can appear defensive. Keep eye contact to show you’re engaged but don’t stare intensely. Subtle nods and smiles can also convey that you are actively engaged and comfortable in the interaction.

4. Listen Actively

Active listening involves fully concentrating on what is being said, rather than just passively hearing the words. Show that you are engaged by nodding, making appropriate facial expressions, and giving verbal acknowledgments like “I see” or “That sounds interesting.” It’s not just about waiting for your turn to speak, but genuinely trying to understand her perspective.

5. Avoid Interruptions

Interrupting can be seen as a sign of disrespect and can indicate that you’re more interested in your own thoughts than in hers. Let her complete her thoughts and expressions. If you have something to say, make a mental note and wait for the appropriate moment to share.

6. End Positively

Regardless of the nature of the conversation, try to end on a good note. This could be as simple as saying, “It was really great to catch up with you,” or “I’m glad we had this conversation.” Ending positively can leave the door open for future interactions and leaves both of you with a sense of closure or pleasantness about the exchange.

Additional Considerations:

  • Match Her Tone and Pace: If she’s speaking softly and slowly, match that. It creates a sense of harmony in the conversation.
  • Use Humor Appropriately: Light humor can ease tension but be sensitive to the context. Avoid jokes that might be misinterpreted or touch on sensitive issues.
  • Respect Her Response: If she’s not very responsive or seems keen to end the conversation, respect her wishes. Pushing for more interaction can come across as invasive.
  • Be Mindful of Your Exit: When the conversation ends, leave gracefully. A simple, friendly gesture like a smile or a nod can make a positive last impression. On this topic, take a look at what I discuss in my Ex Recovery Program as it relates to ending your conversations (phone or text) at its peak (i.e. high point).  This approach can be effective early on when you are trying to rebuild attraction.

The Expert’s Corner – Insights From Chris Seiter

12 FAQs on How to Talk to Your Ex Girlfriend:

  1. How soon should I start talking to my ex after the breakup?
    • It’s generally advised to wait at least 30 days after the breakup before initiating contact. This period, often referred to as the no-contact phase, allows both parties to process their emotions and gain clarity.
  2. What should my first message be after no contact?
    • Your first message should be light and non-committal, such as commenting on something you both have a shared interest in or a simple greeting. Avoid heavy topics or expressing too much emotion. Take a look at my Texting Bible eBook.  It will walk you through the whole process.
  3. How often should I message her if she responds?
    • Keep it moderate. If she responds, continue the conversation naturally but don’t overwhelm her with messages. Let the frequency develop organically based on her responses.
  4. What topics should I avoid in our conversations?
    • Avoid topics that could trigger negative emotions, like details of the breakup, personal accusations, or discussions about new relationships (unless she brings it up and is comfortable discussing it).
  5. How can I show I’ve changed since the breakup?
    • Demonstrate your personal growth by discussing new activities or perspectives you’ve adopted. However, ensure this comes up naturally in conversation rather than as a forced topic.
  6. What if she doesn’t reply to my messages?
    • If she doesn’t reply, respect her silence. It’s essential not to bombard her with messages. She may need more time, or she may have decided to move on.
  7. How do I respond if she talks about her dating life?
    • If she mentions dating someone else, respond maturely and respectfully. Acknowledge what she says and respond with something like, “I’m glad to hear you’re moving forward and finding happiness.”
  8. Should I apologize for my mistakes during our relationship?
    • If the situation warrants and you genuinely feel remorseful, a sincere apology can be meaningful. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for, and don’t expect immediate forgiveness.  And please, don’t dwell on the mistakes either of you may have made.
  9. How can I tell if she’s interested in rekindling our relationship?
  10. Can I ask her out directly?
    • It’s usually better to wait until you’ve re-established a good communication rhythm. If the conversations have been positive, you might suggest meeting up casually without labeling it as a date.
  11. What if our conversation turns into an argument?
    • If the conversation starts to get heated, try to remain calm and de-escalate the situation. You might say something like, “I think we’re starting to go down a path that isn’t constructive. Let’s try to keep this positive.”
  12. How can I end the conversation on a positive note?
    • Regardless of how the conversation goes, try to conclude positively. You could say, “It was good catching up with you,” or “I’m glad we had this chat.” This leaves the door open for future positive interactions.



Disclosure: I am the Author and Creator of this content. My aim is to provide you with original, well structured and authoritative content about this ex recovery topic utilizing my experience and expertise. I have endeavored to produce content that is high quality, relevant, informative, accurate, and reliable. In doing so, I have used an AI tool to some extent to assist me in generating useful content for my readers. This assistance may include topic research, the development of outline structures, phraseology for titles and headings, content curation, narrative expansion, grammar usage, and optimizing readability. All of this is done for the purpose of adding value to the post that I have produced. I personally “proof” every quality post I write for accuracy, completeness, textual flow, fine-tuning purposes, inclusion of relevant media, and inclusion of helpful internal links to further assist the reader. I do not allow for any clutter that would distract from my content or confuse my readers.

Signed By Yours Truly, Chris Seiter, Founder of Ex Boyfriend & Ex Girlfriend Recovery.	

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