ExGirlfriend Recovery has been a lifeline for people in situations just like you for decades.
We’ve seen almost every scenario you can possibly think of. Let’s face it, most people find themselves at our website after they’ve made a mess of things and think that there is no way they can do it. But that doesn’t stop us from helping them make a come-back.
So, what drives people to do things that hurt their cause so badly?
Well, acting against your own self-interest is usually something we do when our emotions have outranked out rationality.
Heightened emotions after a break up can be a result of many things, but most common is simply that they miss their ex, just like you are missing your ex now. Heightened emotions mean that you are more likely to do things without thinking them through.
Hopefully, you’ve found your way here before you’ve done anything rash. But even if you have, the ExRecovery Team is here to help you sort it all out.
I’d like to point out that this article is simply an addition to the tactics provided in the ExRecovery Program. In order to be successful, I suggest reading that as well. However, if missing your ex is interfering with other things in your life, as I am guessing, these tips will help immensely.
Let’s jump right in.
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Why Do You Miss Her?
Understanding why you miss your ex will direct where you go from here. There can be two main reasons for missing your ex strongly. Either the relationship ended recently, or there are still residual emotions tied to the relationship.
Pretty much everyone’s heard the phrase “If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.” Well, that second reason there boils down to just that.
The origin of the phrase is mostly just speculated. However, it is applicable in several areas. For our purposes today, I want to apply it to brain plasticity.
As we age, we lose our motor function and memories eventually. However, studies show that staying physically and mentally engaged in activities and exercises prolongs the onset of those losses.
Have you ever noticed that you can’t remember specific details about a mundane day? Yet you can remember every detail of the championship game from back in high school down to the final score and the winning play?
It’s because you have thought about that moment over and over again. Whereas, remembering things that seemingly don’t matter in day-to-day life don’t rank high on the mental replay list.
If you find that you can’t get her out of your head, it could be because you’ve given her mental real estate.
The real question is do you miss her or do you miss the companionship? How can you tell the difference?
There are some questions you can ask yourself.
Do you miss things that are unique to her? This could be anything from the way her hair smells in the morning to how she laughs at inappropriate moments.
Or do you miss just having someone who you know is going to be there, like guaranteed attention?
I have one friend when asked these things who said,
“I miss the man I was when she was around.”
I guess he didn’t realize that that was up to him to decide who he was whether she was around or not.
That kind of honesty with yourself takes some serious guts that not many people are ready for.
There is no right or wrong answer. There’s no way for me to call you out or anything. This is something you have to be honest with yourself about if you want to be successful.
I can tell you right now that denying the truth or lying to yourself would only undermine any actions you take to get her back. Figure out what is the exact reason you want her in your life so badly.
Does She Miss You?
So, you know you have to figure out why you feel the way you do, but how do you know if she misses you? How will you recognize it?
Your mind seeks the chemicals it produces when you are happy. So, when you start wanting your ex to miss you, it will start trying to perceive anything she does as signs she misses you. Making an agreement with yourself to stay calm and knowing the things you want to say going in can be a huge asset.
Let’s lay out some identifiers to help you recognize when she does miss you.
As a woman, I can tell you that simply saying I miss you to an ex doesn’t necessarily mean I want to get back together. It’s more likely that I miss him for that moment. However, it doesn’t erase the reason that we split up in the first place.
But, when I have started thinking about getting back together with an ex, there are some things all women do that we can’t control.
These are mostly subconscious and non-verbal clues that aren’t usually planned or even done on purpose.
- She will bring up the “good times” a lot.
- She will try and close the space between you by establishing physical contact.
- When in a group, she will position herself between you and anyone she sees as a threat.
- She starts up old habits, like “good morning” texts.
Just keep in mind what you want from her won’t be overt or obvious.
So, just stay aware and know that your brain is going to be telling you that everything she does is her missing you. The only way to be successful is to avoid reacting and start being proactive.
It sounds more difficult than it is. I promise.
Don’t Lose Hope Just Yet
The dilemma is that the first thing we tell you to do to get your ex back is No Contact. And the one thing you want to do is stay as close to her as you can, so it’s difficult to accept that No Contact is the only way to get what you want out of the situation.
So, when you want to know if your ex misses you. I can tell you without a doubt that 99% of women miss their ex at one time or another. And I can tell you that a majority of those women don’t even THINK about trying not to miss you for the first several weeks of a breakup. Usually, it takes about a month to get to the point of even thinking about trying not to miss you.
So, when you look at No Contact and go “That’s a long time not to be in contact. She’ll forget me before I even make it to week two.” You need to realize that you aren’t that easy to get over. No one is and everyone feels EXACTLY like you do right now.
Give yourself more credit than that.
So, What Do You Do Now?
I get it. Just sitting on your hands and thinking about how much you miss her would make No Contact unbearable. You feel like you should be doing something, you just aren’t sure what.
Most natural impulses you have will be directed at getting your ex back right now. Impatience is a very human feeling.
Don’t worry. I don’t want you to just sit on your hands and wait. But you do have to take these guidelines into consideration if you actually want to get your ex back. I’ve broken them down into things you can do during no contact and what you should do after you reestablish contact.
During No Contact…
During No Contact, everything you do to get your ex back has to be indirect. Otherwise, we couldn’t call it No Contact.
You may think your goal is to get her to miss you, but that would require her wanting your old relationship back. But the two of you broke up. So, she doesn’t want that old thing. Hopefully, neither do you.
What your new goal should be is Relationship 2.0. You want her to see being with you as being better than it was before and more appealing than being with anyone else.
And you need to be subtle about it.
Let me say that again for you guys in the back that are sleeping through class… SUUUUUUUUUBTLE.
Because I know half of you are going to be like this the first time she texts you or you run into her during No Contact.
First things first. Get your life together and be active.
One of the biggest things that can make me rethink a relationship with a man that I have already washed my hands of is seeing that man pull himself together.
The best way to keep thoughts of her fron taking up mental real estate in you mind is to stay busy.
And the first thing I am going to tell you to do is pay attention to how you look.
I know half of you are running around looking like you just popped out of a game of Jumanji after 30 years in a jungle. Go get a dang haircut and stop letting your beard just do whatever it wants.
Well, I have news for you. I know that whole Thor/Brock O’Hurn/Vikings look is in right now. But the Brock O’Hurn look looks good on very few people who aren’t Brock O’Hurn.
So at least clean it up a bit and make it look like you actually care about what you look like. Your ex was clearly attracted to you at some point. So, make sure that she doesn a double take when she sees you. Even if your life is in shambles, looking good with definitely make her do a double take and wonder what you are up to.
Also, don’t listen to your friends that say you need to go out and get with someone new to “cleanse your system.” That doesn’t work, and seeing as you want your ex back, how do you think she’ll see it?
But, that doesn’t mean not to have a social life.
In fact, I want you to be as social and as active as you can be. Try new things. Be adventurous.
I know you’re thinking, “How will any of this get my ex back if I’m not allowed to come in contact with her?”
Well, I’ll answer that for you.
In this modern world that we live in, cyber-stalking an ex isn’t as deplorable as it was when we were kids. In fact, it’s pretty much expected. Like a non-confrontational way to check up on them without having to actually talk to them.
Don’t lie. I know you’ve been checking out what your ex is up to on Facebook and Instagram already.
Even if the two of you are no longer friends on social media, that won’t keep her from finding a way to see what you post. I’m a girl and I can vouch for the fact that we are pretty much born with spy skills. I can look up an ex and build an entire family tree just from his facebook page if I wanted.
Not that I would do that because that would be weird. I’m just saying… I could.
Alright, so knowing that your Ex is most definitely going to be trolling all of your social media posts, what are you going to do with that knowledge?
You may not realize it, but I am basically handing you the keys to the kingdom right here.And your first instinct is going to be to post something about how much you miss her.
And your first instinct is going to be to post something about how much you miss her… possibly song lyrics.
You know what that will do?
That will make her see you like this.I know. I know. Puppies are cute and adorable. Who could say no to something so pitiful?
I LOVE puppies. I spend a lot of time taking care of friends’ animals for them when they go out of town. But I’m an adult. Walking into a pet store and seeing tons of cute little pitiful puppies who want to go home with me doesn’t mean I take them all home. In fact. I have no animals of my own.
Because they are a huge responsibility and I don’t have room in my life for that right now. Someone else will adopt those puppies and be able to take care of them better than I could.
You are that puppy when you play the “pitiful card.”
Fight all of those urges to post “poor pitiful me” posts.
Instead, I want you to fill your feed of all of the improvements and exciting things you are doing. Take pictures with friends. If you are finishing your degree, then post about milestones. Go do something fun outside with friends and take lots of pictures.
Everything you post should reflect a new improved you.
You need to make your life so attractive, that she wants to be a part of it again.
The best part is that, because everyone checks our exes Facebooks and Instagrams, you don’t have to even have to check to see if she notices. I can guarantee that she will.
But, if you still aren’t sure. I can tell you a little trick I like to use since I have a lot of mutual friends with my exes. But, even if you aren’t, you’ll probably run into mutual friends at some point.
When you do run into someone close to your ex, be sure and ask how that friend’s life is going. There’s an innate desire to keep things balanced. So, when you do this, they will inevitably ask how things are going in your life. You want to GUSH about how awesome things are. Get excited and let yourself talk quickly and way too much about all of the new things in your life. Then, pretend to realize that you are talking too much.
“Oh, I’m talking too much. I’m just really excited about life these days I guess. I’m really glad I ran into you, and I’m so glad things are going well for you. I should really be going though.”
The key is to never mention your ex. If they do, then acknowledge it. You can even say how much you care about them, or that you hope they’re doing well, but don’t dwell on it. Redirect back to the person you are interacting with’s life. If they are in school, ask what classes they are taking this semester or how they are doing in them. People love to talk about themselves. We are naturally self-centered creatures. So, when you give someone the choice between talking about someone else or about themselves, they’ll usually choose the latter.
Then, after they walk into the trap and ask you about your life. You want to do the same thing you are doing on your Facebook. Fight the urge to sulk and be pitiful. Frame your life and make it seem awesome. Then, excuse yourself from the interaction BEFORE there is a lull in the conversation.
You won’t always run into people by accident. You might have to make it happen.
In that case, you want to choose someone who wants what’s best for them. Like a mom, sister, or best friend. The reason for this is because, often these connections are the ones where you talk about EVERYTHING, not just comfortable conversations.
They talk about things that might hurt, like
“Hey, I ran into your ex earlier and he seems to be doing really well. He did say he hope things are going well for you. I think he misses you, but I dont’ think that he’s letting that slow him down any”
A mother might even suggest that breaking up wasn’t the best idea. I know mine would. Basically, by showing the people close to her that you are doing well, you are opening a second line of communication with her, while also rallying people to your cause. The best part is, they won’t even know that you’ve done this.
By going about things in this way, they will all think that they came up with this on their own.
The only way this won’t work is if you were a huge skeezeball during the relationship. If that’s the case you are going to have to work doubly hard on convincing these people that you’ve changed. Best bet here is to actually stop being a skeezeball. Hey, take it from someone who basically tells people the truth for a living, the truth is easier to sell.
After No Contact…
After No contact, you venture into the realm of texting to re-establish contact. Now, I won’t go into those details in this article, because the steps have been laid out for you in Recovery Pro and in this article.
But, I would like to emphasize how important it is that you remain calm.
When a child responds, excited about prospects, it’s endearing. But when adults do it, they seem impulsive and overeager.
You might think that jumping to respond the second your ex texts you will prove you care about her. But, by remaining calm and patient, you will instill those feelings of desire in her that you are feeling.
Look at it this way.
If you texted her right now, and she texted you right back, what would you think?
“Wow, she is really invested in this.”
When other people are invested in the same thing we are we tend to stop putting forth as much effort.
However, if she waited 5… 10… 15 minutes to respond, what would you be thinking at minute 14?
“She’s not interested.”
“She’s over me.”
“She’s seeing someone else.”
You might even be driven to send a second text to remind him that she hasn’t responded yet. I call this panic mode.
Have you ever noticed that elated feeling you get when you hear a notification sound when you are first talking to someone you like?
The guy I’m talking to and I talk namely on Snapchat, and when the little notification sound goes off I can’t control how excited I get.
When it’s from someone else, that excitement turns into disappointment.
That little surge of excitement is a mix of endorphins and dopamine. Our brains are wired to want more dopamine. It’s similar to an addiction. So, know that by depriving your ex of an immediate rush of dopamine, you are increasing her desire for it.
In fact, all of these things will instill a desire, a drive to reach out and to know more.
So, when it comes down to getting together in person, she’ll be more likely to say yes. And that is the ultimate goal, right? What do you want more, to respond to a text instantaneously or get the chance to rebuild the relationship in person?”
By controlling your eagerness to talk to her, you will make her curious as to what else has your attention.
Being curious means taking a step closer.
So, work on your patience, because you’ll need it when you talk in person as well.
Last, but not least, you need to learn to leave the conversation on a high note.
If you guys have been texting for a while and you’ve got a good little banter going back and forth. Cut if off!
I know you’re probably like…
I actually had to explain this to my bestie yesterday. She’s been talking to an ex of hers. And she has this habit of talking to him all day every day about everything. She’s too available. He’s ghosted her out several times because of it.
I told her I was going to make her a T-shirt or stamp it on her forehead so she doesn’t forget.
LEAVE(the conversation) WHILE IT’S GOOD!”
There needs to be some mystery about your life until she’s part of it again.
It’s human nature to want to finish things. By leaving a conversation unfinished, you are sticking little brain ninjas in her head that all think that she has a reason to talk to you more.
You remember how that brain real estate she was taking up in your head? Taht’s what you’re doing. Each of those little brain ninjas is a thought about you and you are buying them property in her head.
She may completely forget what you were talking about, but when she least expects it, those ninjas will sneak up on her and whisper in her ear, “You need to talk to your ex.” She won’t understand the reason she feels that way, but she’ll reach out again or she’ll be receptive when you reach out, depending on where you are in the program.
Driving It Home
Alright, so you’ve either already started the program, or, by now you are realising that you probably should if you want this to work.
So, here’s some links to get you started.
Remember all of these tips to turn thing in your favor. And as always, our team is here to help you in any way we can.
Let us know what works for you, and what doesn’t. Ask us any questions you might have.