How do you re-attract your ex-girlfriend after arguing and fighting with her?
It is not an uncommon problem. Indeed, many of my clients and visitors of this website experience break ups shortly after a big fight.
But the road you need to travel to sort things out is a long and winding path.
Some guys are looking for a quick fix solution.
A sense of desperation may rule their days, so they come looking for the most expeditious way they can make peace with their former girlfriend.
I am sorry to disappoint you. But I don’t have a quick fix method on getting your ex gf back.
My experience is that essentially all such plans are doomed for failure.
What I can offer you though is a sound, well reasoned plan of action.
You see, most break ups are usually triggered by some kind of fight you had with your ex girlfriend. Maybe it was a string of fights you had with her that finally ended up in a big blow out.
Perhaps you and your ex girlfriend really did not fight that much, but something happened and it resulted in fire and brimstone raining down upon you.
So now you are in this dark and dreary place of the mind, wondering if you even have a chance at re-attracting your ex gf.
You are thinking that you might have really blown it. Or maybe it is the other way around. Possibly, you stormed out of the relationship with your ex girlfriend and broke things off.
Fights and all its ugly aftermath have a way of really making a mess of things.
And now you want back in.
Whatever unfolded, you want her back in your life and you need to figure out what you need to do to help her get over the fight the two of you had.
My guess is that you probably have not fully recovered.
Yep…. things can really get messy when we fight with the girl we love.
It just seems to be wired into the way we behave.
And as a matter of fact, love and hate are two emotions that are mirror images in reverse.
Kinda like the Wicked Witch from the West in “The Wizard of Oz”. Well, it turns out the good witch of Oz was from the East.
So how do you overcome the mess you may find yourself in with your ex-girlfriend?
How do you rebuild the trust that may have been severely compromised?
You use to be her “everything”. Now she tells you she hates and despises you.
What a mess!
If your relationship with your ex gf blew up because of a horrible fight, you have your work cut out for you.
You see, you will need to understand much more about how women think. And that is not easy.
Because of course, you are a guy.
You really don’t know how women think.
I can’t even say I know everything about how women think and process everything around them.
Even your ex-girlfriend does not completely understand all of the confusing emotions running through her mind.
Just know this….
If you had a pretty serious fight with your ex, she is pissed at you. She will likely be angry with you a lot longer than you will feel anger toward her.
Are you starting to see the picture?
I hope so, because this is not going to be a 1,2,3 step plan to get things squared away with your angry ex-girlfriend.
Hey… if your are not happy with that. Sorry.
But hey…..I had nothing to do with the fight that led to the chaos!
And I bet you are still running it through your mind, trying to figure what the heck you did or said that was wrong.
But, I can help you with what to do next.
So this is what is going down!
I have put together an outline of what we are going to talk about. I think this will help you because there are a lot of moving pieces associated with re-attracting your ex girlfriend.
Feel free to refer back to this outline to keep things squared away in your mind.
Each piece we will discuss should help you build some skills in what you need to know and do in order to turn things around.
Just as always, I cannot promise you success.
But I am pretty darn sure I can get you a lot further down the right path than if you were just trying to wing it by yourself.
Yep…. I am going to be your wingman!
So here is what we are going to cover in this post.
What Stirs Up That Fighting Feeling in Your Girlfriend?
- Your Inner Monster (mental states)
- Anger and your Ex Gf
- Affairs Can Get the Blood Boiling
- Acting like an Ass vs. the Pedestal Effect
- You “Have No Clue”
- Ex-girlfriend Lover Busters
How Cooling Down or “No Contact” Can Help You
- Very Short Term Reactionary Break Up – Implement a Cooling Off period
- Mildly Serious Break Up – 7 to 14 days of Cooling Off
- Serious or Final Straw type of break up – 21-30 days (No Contact Period)
The Cooling Off or No Contact Period is Over…. What Do You Do Now?
- Make the First Move (Even if You Think She Was Wrong)
- If it was a Serious Fight – Reach out in a Unique Way.
- The Meeting Before the Meeting
- Plan A Conversation in a Different Setting
- Start off with An Apology for Your Role in the Fight
- Be Calm and Respectful – Don’t immediately Go in for a Hug
- Validate Your Girlfriend’s Concerns
- Validate Your Girlfriend’s Feelings (Empathy – Anger Buster #1)
- Let her Vent As May be Necessary (You be the strong one)
- Anger Buster #2 – Thank her for sharing her feelings and offering her perspective.
- Together Agree on the Problem
- Now Apologize for the specific Issue that was of concern to your Girlfriend. (don’t just say I am sorry. Describe the behavior you are sorry for)
- Together Brainstorm a Solution
- Create a Symbolic No Fight Pact /going Forward
9 Ways To Regain Her Trust After The Fight
- Hug and Hug Some More in the days following the Make Up Discussion
- You Must /demonstrate You have Changed and are Committed to the Pact
- Make Up Sex Strengthens the Bond
- Cuddle to Rebuild the Connection
- Listen – Listen – Then listen some More (a huge turn on for women)
- Stroll Through Memory Lane
- Paint the Future
- Play the SELFLESS Game
- Relationships that succeed and survive conflict and hard times, experience a 5 to 1 ratio of good to bad interactions.
Ok, now that you have a pretty decent idea how we are going to spend the next few minutes, let’s just dive right on in.
First up, we are going to learn why guys and gals fight.
Why are we interested in this?
Well, no matter how much you think you know about the underlying reasons why fights unfold, you have much to learn about the psyche of your ex-girlfriend.
What Stirs Up That “Fighting Feeling” In Your Ex Girlfriend
One of the most primal and volatile emotions a human can experience is anger.
It ranks right up there with a few other emotions that can shake us at the core.
Anger, Fear, and Love are probably the most powerful emotions you will encounter in your Life.
Anger can literally feel like a fire inside of you.
Anger takes the shape of raging feelings that want to bust out like a volcanic eruption.
And like a volcano, anger often times is never totally extinguished and can seethe and bubble up underneath.
Our Inner Monster – Why Can We Get So Angry With Our Ex?
It turns out that the anger that fuels so many of the fights you have had with your ex-girlfriend has deep biological and psychological roots.
Once unleashed from deep within your brain’s limbic system, these intense feelings can run right on out and crash the party…. but not in a good way.
And once anger or rage comes bolting out from your inner core, it can sometimes feel like you have lost full control.
Typically, pent up feelings can bubble up underneath and all it takes is a few wrong words or actions that will result in the beast being unleashed.
I am sure you have experienced these feelings within yourself and undoubtedly you have seen occasions where your ex gf became so upset and angry with you, that you hardly even recognized her.
The anger we either carry within us or that forms and bursts out, can easily lead to a transformative event.
Unfortunately, more often than not, this transformative event is negative and carries with it some serious adverse effects.
That is probably why you are here, reading all about fighting with your ex-girlfriend.
Odds are that you both had an argument that was fueled by anger.
As things ramped up, you both likely said or did things that were out of character.
Nevertheless, once the genie is out of the bottle, it is mighty difficult to put her back in her place.
It is like the old story we all heard back when we were children. Do you remember what happened to Humpty Dumpty?
Well, it was not a good thing.
He pretty much laid in ruins, with pieces of him strewn about.
And despite all the best attempts, no one could quite put him back together again.
Anger and Your Ex-Girlfriend
So my guess is that your ex girlfriend is really pissed at you.
If you guys had a fight which precipitated a break up, don’t count on her cooling off any time soon.
Now, as tough of a foe anger can be, don’t even think of throwing in the towel.
There has been considerable research that shows that our brains, while disposed to morphing into mind states from which anger can come flooding out, is incredibly resilient and capable of dealing with this monster.
So what Capabilities might the Brain have that can help us out?
Well, a study from the University of Wyoming in which a number of MRI scans were conducted, revealed that our brains are are equipped with all kinds of helpful capabilities.
Ok, this is starting to sound interesting.
What are these capabilities?
It turns out that our brain hosts within it a capability of buffering and tempering those emotions that it also helps produce.
So while our brain has a role in us forming mental states that we ultimately find ourselves occupying…mental states like anger, rage, or maybe just merely annoyance and irritation…our brain can also put out the fire.
Think of it this way.
You said or did something that contributed to starting a fire in the mind of your ex-girlfriend.
Now she is angry at you. Maybe she is extremely upset and has told you that she wants “nothing to do with you”.
Don’t you just hate that, when the ladies say such things.
Well, it is pretty clear that a big, raging fire is building in the mind of your ex girlfriend.
How do you put out this fire?
That is what you need help with, right?
Well, according to these researchers, one effective technique is to call upon your ex girlfriend’s brain to help you out. It turns out that her brain is equipped to put the fire out by itself, provided that you make use of forgiveness and positive conditioning techniques.
Research shows that it is very difficult to stay angry at someone if you believe they are genuinely sorry for their actions.
The data also shows that your ex girlfriend’s brain chemistry responds very positively when you help her think about a positive accomplishment she once achieved.
Once your ex-girlfriend enters into that state of mind, she is much more conducive to listening to what you have to say and potentially agreeing with your recommendations.
Later, when we discuss some of the tactics you can employ, you will see that several of them revolve around forgiveness techniques and and positive imaging.
But we are going to have to do something about tearing down that wall of anger your ex gf has raised.
Right now, she probably wishes to wall you out…forever.
We are going to have to address how to change that sentiment she currently has about you.
It is not the end of the world.
Think of it this way. Your ex girlfriend wouldn’t be so terribly angry at you if she didn’t have such strong feelings for you.
It the ole “Ying – Yang” of emotions.
You know what I mean?
Love and Hate are sometimes separated by a thin red line.
Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Cheat On You or Did You Cheat on Her?
Some fights evolve out of the discovery that one of you is having an affair.
Cheating on your Ex or being cheated on, is probably the worst thing that can happen in a relationship.
Look, I am going to be honest with you.
If you cheated on her, then you chances of re-attracting her and re-building trust levels is poor.
On the other hand, if she cheated on you and the discovery of this fact created a terrible fight and a full break in the relationship, ironically, you have a pretty solid chance of resuming the relationship in the future…assuming you wish to do so.
Often what I see are fights that happen post affair (i.e. after the discovery of the affair).
The concern about another affair occurring and the loss of trust can frequently spearhead angry and resentful feelings.
Nevertheless, if you are looking to discover some ways to bring more closure to these past indiscretions and reduce conflict in your relationship, then read on!
If You Acted Like an Ass – Own Up to It
Another huge turn off for the ladies is when the guy acts like a total ass.
Now I am not saying that is what happened between you and your ex gf. But I just want to go out on record and let everybody know that acting rudely or in an arrogant manner is a sure bet for triggering a fight and eventually ending a relationship.
Most women have little tolerance for guys who act badly or treat them badly.
Now, none of us can always been on our best behavior. So, yes, even the best of guys will screw up sometimes.
I mean, we all have some tendencies that lead us to act up and not consistently treat our girlfriends with charm and sensitivity.
A problem emerges when we forget the simple lesson of life…..”Do unto others, as you would have them do unto to you”.
A big problem emerges when we consistently mistreat and disrespect our girlfriend by word and tone.
If you are saying mean and ugly things, it will bankrupt your relationship.
If you act like an ass, own up to it quickly.
Most women have very little patience for that kind of behavior. They may tolerate it for a while, but eventually, such selfish behavior will lead to a ruined relationship.
The Pedestal Effect
There is a way to treat a woman if you want her to open her heart to you.
I like to call it the Pedestal Effect.
Right now, you are on the outside, looking in, right?
What I mean is that you and your ex -girlfriend have already fought and I presume that the two of you are no longer an “item”.
That is the main point of this post.
Namely, helping those of you who wish to re-attract your ex-girlfriend after you find yourself in a bad predicament.
Let me remind you that the ladies like to be pampered a bit.
They like it when you look up to them as having some very special qualities. And they need to know that. You need to tell them.
You don’t have to tell them all of the time. But they need to know often enough that they are “special” in a way that only you can tell them.
It may be the way their hair falls across their cheek.
It may be the way that they smile at you when you make love to them.
It may be about the manner in which she walks or smells.
Whatever these special qualities are (i.e. they are different for each girl), you need to convey them to her.
You need to raise her up. By doing this, you place her on a pedestal.
There is nothing wrong with that, so long as it is emerges from a truth…the essence of her and what it means to you.
Guys That Have No Clue
So we are still talking about the things that can really upset our girlfriends to the point of them wanting to break up with us or worse.
A leading candidate for stirring up some trouble is the, “You Have No Clue“, problem.
When I coach the ladies and try to help them with their relationships, one of the common complaints I hear from them is that their Ex “has no clue”.
They say that guys in general just don’t know even the basics of how to treat a woman.
The women will go on to tell me that, “It is not like they are not on the same page, rather they are not even reading from the same book.”
Ouch! I think I have been guilty of this a few times.
Ok, I think I understand what it is that I don’t understand.
Let me explain, if I can!
Being a guy, I understand how hard it can be to get inside the mind of a girl.
It can be really tricky figuring out what they are thinking….why they are thinking that way…or why they are even upset about something.
So what does this look like?
You can be walking around enjoying the day and be completely blind to the internal battle that might be going on in the mind of your girlfriend. She can suddenly burst into tears and “you have no clue” why.
It seems that guys and gals sometimes process things in a very different way. For your girlfriend, there may be something that you think is insignificant, but to her, it is everything.
This mismatch or lack of understanding you have of your girlfriend’s emotional needs (at that moment), can lead to misunderstandings or even melt downs.
When the smoke clears, guess what?
You still don’t have a clue.
Later, we will talk about some ways in which you can overcome this problem.
It is not always easy and it sure in the heck is far from foolproof, but I think I have you covered on this one.
The First Step to Re-Attraction – Cool Down or No Contact Rule
So the fight you had with your ex gf has left you both exhausted.
You are no longer seeing each other. Both of you are confused, angry, frustrated, and probably are feeling frazzled.
Welcome to the wonderful world of relationships.
For most couples, each of you will benefit if you take some time off from each other.
For all practical purposes, that is already happening, right?
I mean after all, she is your ex-girlfriend now.
Perhaps it was your idea to break it off. Or maybe she pushed for ending the relationship. Or maybe it was just something that happened and you both sort of fell into this break up situation.
Now you are thinking you want her back.
What should you do?
Cooling Down From a Fight
I think the answer depends partly on how bad was the break up.
If the two of you fought and it led hastily to an emotional split, but has all the signs of a very temporary interruption in the relationship, then perhaps the best course of action is to allow for a short “Cooling Off” Period.
That allows for each of you to recover your senses and realize how stupid it was to fight and endanger the relationship.
These kind of spats with a girlfriend happen on occasion.
It does not necessarily mean the entire relationship should be put on a long term hold as that could actually cause more damage.
If the two of you had a spat, but the relationship foundation is otherwise solid, then just allow for some time to go by so you each can find a better frame of mind to discuss and resolve the issues.
Later in this post, I will describe how you go about approaching your girlfriend and solving the issue.
How long should the cooling off period be?
Hell, I don’t know. What do you think I am…a Relationship Expert?
Oh..yea…I am one. Ok, here is my suggestion!
I would suggest 24 to 48 hours would be a good range. It could possibly be a lot less.
It really depends on the severity of the spat and the history between the two of you.
Perhaps, both of you have a practice of nipping these problems in the bud after a few hours have passed.
Just use some good common sense.
Recovering From a Mild, First Time Break Up
Sometimes I see couples that have a solid relationship, but then something serious happens that causes anger and emotions to get out of hand and one or both of them declare they are breaking up.
It may feel very serious at the time. And it probably is a pretty serious relationship situation you now have with your girlfriend. Serious enough such that she is now your ex-girlfriend after the fight or incident.
How does one go about re-attracting your ex-girlfriend when on the face of everything, the relationship seemed to be pretty solid?
At the time of the break up, you may have been very angry and welcomed the idea.
Or maybe your were really hurt because it was your ex gf that pushed for the split.
Whichever the case, healing and recovery needs to take place. Even if you later seem to feel that the break up was overdone or too extreme of a reaction, a period of no contact is often advantageous.
So we have some fences to mend and personal recovery (for both of you) needs to occur.
So does your break up fall into this category?
Obviously, I don’t know.
But you need to ask yourself some hard questions about the strength and history of the relationship to arrive at whether this is the proper course of action.
If your break up falls into this category, then a longer cooling off period probably needs to be put into place. In fact, I would prefer to call it a longer Cooling Off Period (i.e. 7 to 14 days).
It may take a few weeks for you to gain the proper perspective and experience some much needed healing.
Meanwhile, you are also allowing your ex gf to recover as well. She has some serious thinking to do on her end. You don’t want to just run right back into trying to contact her and hoping that everything will be made right if you must met with her or called her.
If this is a true deal break-up, that tactic seldom works. I have written extensively about the No Contact Period, so feel free to check out my other posts or better yet, pick up one of my e-books because I discuss everything in much greater detail.
Serious or Final Straw type of Break up – 21-30 days
Most guys that come to my website or purchase my ebooks are dealing with what I would characterize as a Final Straw type of Break up with their ex girlfriend.
The relationship has likely taken a turn for the worst and things may have been rocky for a good spell.
With this kind of falling out, there is little doubt that the couple (or at least one of the individuals) is fed up. A firm decision has been made to separate. Perhaps there have been a series of mini-break ups that led up to this. But this one is the real deal.
So if you find yourself in this boat, just remember what Yogi Berra said…”It ain’t over, until it’s over”!
If you are of the mind to try and win her back, then you will likely be best off by instituting a 21 or 30 day No Contact Period.
The Cooling Off or No Contact Period is Over – What Now?
Ok, so now that the Cooling Off Period or No Contact Period has ended, you should be in a more advantageous position to initiate first contact.
I have written extensively about how to reach out to your ex-girlfriend through the strategic use of text messages.
In my e-book, The Texting Bible, I provide numerous examples of “First Contact” text messages designed to get a response from your ex girlfriend.
So let’s say you are successful in getting back on “talking terms” with your ex gf.
Well read on, because I am about to lay it all out!
If it was a Serious Fight
If the two of you had a really bad falling out, then I think it would be effective to reach out in a unique way through a grand gesture.
It is important your ex understand that you are not just sweeping away all of the previous troubles. Make sure she understands you wish to discuss with her your behavior and any other circumstances that led to the relationship becoming broken.
Trust me, she has not forgotten the ugly words or acts that may have taken place between the two of you.
She may be smiling at you and saying some pleasant things…but I am telling you….those bad memories of what you said or did have not been erased.
I am going to help you erase them.
While making a loving and special gesture will not get you completely off the hook, it can help you with moving through the process that I am about to discuss.
So what might be a “grand gesture” that will help get things moving in the right direction?
I can think of a few such as arranging for a bouquet of roses to be delivered to her with a note saying you seriously wish to discuss ways to improve the relationship going forward.
Or, you can convey these same sentiments through sending her a message in a bottle.
Yes, that is right! A real message in a bottle.
Of course, these examples I described above should only be implemented after you have already initially and successfully made contact with your ex girlfriend.
As mentioned, this is usually accomplished through tactical texting which then leads to a Meet-up where the two of you can start patching things up.
The Meeting Before the Meeting
I think of the Meet-up following the period of No Contact as the meeting before the MEETING.
Once it is clear that you both are wanting the same thing, then it is time to discuss having a more serious discussion about how the two of you can avoid a break up from ever happening again.
This is a prime opportunity to suggest you wish to meet with her in a special setting which is what we are going to discuss next!
Plan A Conversation in a Different Setting
When you meet to talk to your ex gf be sure it is NOT at the place where the two of you argued.
You don’t want any of the those bad memories of the past being resurrected in the current meeting you are about to have.
Choose a setting that is neutral and private, free of distractions.
Set The Tone With an Apology
Remember to set the tone of the meeting in a positive way.
This can be accomplished by offering a heartfelt apology for YOUR role in the fight.
My view is that when two people fight, they are both losers. In this case, both of you are the ultimate losers because the fight resulted in you both losing each other.
Well, now it’s time to make amends.
So be the first roll out an apology.
Don’t make it long winded. Just keep it short and direct.
Be Calm and Respectful To Your Ex-girlfriend
As the meeting with your ex gf progresses, remain calm and respectful.
There is a technique that is called “mirroring” which you can use to keep the tone of the discussions positive and constructive. If you are calm and re-assuring, your girlfriend will echo those sentiments.
If you move slowly and under full control, as opposed to jerky and nervous movements, your ex girlfriend will likewise follow suit. It is through this technique of mirroring that you can influence the pace and tone of the meeting on a subconscious level.
One other piece of advice.
Don’t immediately go in for a hug unless you are really sure your ex girlfriend is open to your affection.
Sometimes the Ex will harbor some resentment and will not be quite ready for physical contact.
Just play it by ear. You will know what the right thing is to do once you are there.
Validate Your Girlfriend’s Concerns
One of the first things you want to do is express that you understand why she would be upset about how things evolved.
Listen carefully to what she has to say and validate her concerns.
Showing empathy is an anger buster and it is entirely possible your ex girlfriend still harbors some angry feelings. So it is important you show her that her concerns are very appropriate and that you genuinely wish to discuss them.
Let Your Ex Girlfriend Vent As May be Necessary
Sometimes the best thing you can do is ask an open ended question and let your ex gf just vent and purge her pent up feelings.
An open ended question is the type of question you ask that can’t be answered with a simple Yes or No.
It is the type of question that allows your girlfriend to talk and share.
You need to practice the “less is more” communication strategy.
You do less talking and let your ex girlfriend do more of the talking. Ask follow up questions to allow her to expand on her thoughts and feelings.
Thank Your Ex For Sharing Her feelings and Offering Her Perspective
Another anger buster is simply thanking your girlfriend for opening up to you.
It can be a huge way to regain trust and help her alleviate whatever pain she may still be holding inside.
A sincere “thank you” is an act of kindness. Tell her you appreciate her candor and tell her she is “brave” for opening up her heart.
It is not always easy for someone to share their feelings, particularly if those feelings have been bruised.
Come Together on the Nature of the Problem
Your aim is to reach a stage in the discussion where you each can find some common ground and arrive at a mutually agreed upon solution.
But first you must agree on what is the problem.
Something caused the break up. It could have been a singular significant event. Or it may have been a series of things that culminated in the erosion of the relationship.
Whatever got in the way, it is time to identify what it is.
Now Apologize Again for Your Contribution to the “Problem”
She needs to hear from you again about your regrets for your role in causing the problem.
This is important.
Earlier, you apologized for fighting with her. Now you are offering an apology for what you did that triggered the fight.
Contrition is a way into her heart.
Don’t just say you are sorry.
Describe the undesirable behavior you are sorry for. That way, she understands you mean it.
Together Brainstorm a Solution
Just as you agreed on the problem, now turn your attention to jointly coming up with a solution.
If you and your ex gf are both part of developing a long term solution, the chances of it being implemented and it “sticking” is far greater.
Create a Symbolic No Fight Pact going Forward
Once you have a solution, you need to do something symbolic to brand the solution.
What do I mean by that?
Well, for starters, if you want the solution to stick, then you need to reach down into the psyche.
It needs to be an experiential action (i.e. something you both experience together).
Try putting your solution on paper and placing it in a bottle (i.e. message in a bottle).
Then go together to the ocean or a lake and at sunset, cast the bottle out into the ocean.
Or you can float your solution up high in large helium balloon.
Whatever you choose to do, it needs to stand out in your memories and you both need to participate in the activity to brand it into your psyche.
Those actions increases the possibility of both of you sticking with the plan you agreed upon.
9 Ways To Regain Her Trust After The Fight
Trust takes longer to rebuild.
You may have made some inroads by getting her to talk to you and work through the problem.
She may say all the right things and her outside demeanor may suggest that everything is just fine….but don’t be so quick to believe it.
There is a nurturing period that needs to take place following the fight. You need to make consistent deposits to her trust bank.
It is about gaining her trust. Making her feel safe. Making her feel valued and cared for.
Let’s explore some of the things you can do to regain your ex girlfriend’s trust after the fight.
ONE: Hug and Hug Some More
In the days following the Make Up Discussion, I want you to give her a lot of hugs.
Hugging your girlfriend will give her a much needed sense that you care… that she is safe and that she can count on you.
Humans need to be touched and there is a tremendous therapeutic benefits for the hugger and the person being hugged.
Hugging your girlfriend confers many health benefits.
A hug reduces her stress, helps with regulating her breathing, relaxes the tension she may hold in her body, and aids the immune system.
Hugging your lover is a deposit into the relationship trust account.
TWO: You Must Demonstrate You Have Changed
She will be watching you.
It is only natural for your girlfriend to be somewhat concerned that this making up is just a short term phase and that whatever the problems were before, they may return.
You need to be proactive to ensure these runaway thought don’t take hold of her.
Demonstrate that you are fully committed to the “Pact” you each made. Bring up the topic about how much you enjoyed the experience of brainstorming solutions to the relationship issues you both experience. Describe to her how much you enjoyed the symbolic act you both participated in (e.g. message in a bottle).
Even though it may seem unecessary to you, reassure her that everything is going to work out fine.
THREE: Make Up Sex
(Only if you are in a relationship with her again though.)
Make no mistake, working in some make up sex can help forge the trusting bond you seek to re-establish.
When two people quarrel and when there has been a lengthy break in the relationship, the bond or connection between the two lovers is damaged.
It needs fixing.
FOUR: Cuddle to Rebuild Connection
Women seem to enjoy cuddling much more than guys.
Many guys are ready to get on with the next thing, whereas your girlfriend is probably much much inclined to want to cuddle and savor the positive feelings she is experiencing.
For a woman, cuddling is a reinforcement of the love between the two of you. The act of cuddling makes her feel safer, appreciated, and bonded to you.
In those early days and weeks following the re-attraction period, be sure to give your girlfriend a healthy dose of cuddling.
FIVE: Listen – Listen – Then listen some More
I swear, it amazes me how women can be so different to men in small and large ways.
And like the dum dums we can be at times, guys will often experienced self induced forms of amnesia.
No matter how often I tell guys about the importance of really “listening” to your girlfriend, they seem to either forget the importance of this skill or they fail to understand how to listen.
You may be wondering, “how the heck could someone not know how to listen”? You may also be thinking, “if you have ears and can hear, then you can listen….it’s easy”.
I have a wake up call for you…. it is NOT easy!
I coach men, women, and couples and I am telling you that one of the most common complaints I hear from the ladies is: “He never listens to me”.
The guy is usually right there with this dumbfounded expression on his face as he thinks to himself, “what is she talking about, of course I listen to her”
Mars and Venus, right!
Do me a favor.
When you girlfriend is talking about something…anything….even if it sounds stupid or unimportant….you need to listen to every word.
And it has to be what I call “active listening”. This is when you demonstrate through your body language and brief verbal cues that you are indeed listening to her.
Ask follow-up questions. Say things like, “I see” or “I understand” or “I agree“.
But most importantly, let your girlfriend purge the things on her mind. Women, in general, feel better when they can talk about things…their experiences…their problems.
They are not necessarily looking for a solution to the problems. Rather they just want someone to listen so they can feel valued.
Here is one of the most important things I can teach you today!
It is HUGE. Ready for it! Ok, here it comes:
“Merely asking your Girlfriend How She is Doing and Just Shutting Up and Listening Validates Her Self Worth. It is a Huge Turn on For Women”
SIX: Stroll Through Memory Lane
To effectively rebuild trust, you need to rebuild the good memories the two of you enjoyed together.
Now, I also want you to build new positive memories with your girlfriend in the weeks and months to come. But guess what? You have an inventory of really powerful, good memories that the two of you experienced together.
So summon those up.
Talk to her about those experiences. Put yourselves into those nice places that are in your minds It will awaken the positive neurons of your brains and help with transforming the way your ex girlfriend thinks about you.
SEVEN: Paint the Future
This whole section on rebuilding trust and attraction is hugely important.
So let me lay another idea on you!
To strengthen that connection and to help ward off any insecurities your girlfriend may have that past negativities will be repeated, simply paint a bright future.
Just lay it out there for her to see.
Talk about the things you want to do with her.
Better yet, get her talking about what she want to do with you in the future and what the relationship should look like in the future.
By talking about this, you are helping your girlfriend build ownership into a future that includes YOU and happy times.
EIGHT: Play the SELFLESS Game
Actions speak louder than words, right?
So I want to see you play the “Selfless Game”.
This is simply a game you play with your ex-girlfriend (when she is your “steady”). Your start off explaining to her that sometimes you feel that “you” are too selfish or too controlling.
So you are going to be a bit self-critical.
But tell her you have a remedy. It is called the “Selfless Game”.
To demonstrate your goodwill and intentions about improving this problem, you will spend an entire day doing EVERYTHING that your girlfriend wants to do or talk about.
You remember that movie with Jim Carey called, “Yes Man” where magically he could not say “No” to anything? He spent the entire day agreeing and saying yes to everything people suggested to him.
Well, the “Selfless Game” is sort of like that.
It is usually a fun filled adventure and along the way you will learn something about yourself and your girlfriend.
NINE: The Golden Ratio of Kindness
I saved the best thing I could teach you on this topic of re-attracting your ex girlfriend, for last.
Relationships that succeed and survive conflict and hard times, experience a 5 to 1 ratio of good to bad interactions.
It is called the “Kindness ratio”. At least, that is what I call it.
Studies reveal that the most successful couples spend much more of their time saying positive, kind, and considerate things to each other.
Think of each act of kindness or instance of consideration or positive comment as a healthy deposit into your couple’s Trust Account.
If you wish to rebuild trust and attraction, go positive in a big way.