Hey there and welcome to another great episode of the Ex Girlfriend Recovery Podcast.
So if you don’t know how this podcast works, it’s pretty straightforward.
I essentially take listener questions and answer them to the best of my ability. Usually these questions relate to breakups, wanting an ex back, trying to get over an ex, everything in that realm.
And today we’re going to hear from a guy named Sebastian who has a question about jealousy, specifically, what kind of jealousy works, if you should use it and the personality types that it will work on.
But before I actually do play Sebastian’s question, my recommendation for you if you’re going through a breakup is to first gauge your situation and figure out if you even have a chance of getting your ex-girlfriend back.
And luckily for you, we put together a special resource on our website, which has been newly redesigned www.exgirlfriendrecovery.com.
It’s a special quiz designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex girlfriend back, it’s free and it only takes two minutes to take. So my biggest recommendation for any newbie out there who’s just starting to listen to the podcast is you stop by our website and take our quiz because it will give you the ultimate starting point for what you should be doing going forward.
Sebastian Asks When It Is Appropriate To Use Jealousy On Your Ex?
Hey Chris, this is Sebastian.
It was actually difficult to come up with a question that you haven’t maybe previously answered in one of your podcasts, YouTube videos, articles, or even eBooks. So my question is, when is it appropriate to make a jealousy post for social media? A little bit of background about me.
I dated for four and a half years, she fell out of love with me, and she broke up with me. Three weeks later, I successfully did a 30 day no contact and then we’ve been texting ever since. We’ve had 16 text exchanges so far, six of those she’s initiated, but I’ve gotten to the point to where I’m trying to build attraction, I’m sending some flirty texts and I’m getting neutral responses.
And I even got a no response once.
So I’m wondering if a jealousy post will help me cross that line to where she’d be more receptive of the flirting and the attraction text.
Let me know what you think.
All right, Sebastian, thank you so much for your question.
There’s a lot to unpack here.
So ultimately I want to kind of divide up this podcast episode into three distinct categories, which is,
- Is sending kind of a jealousy text message or trying a jealousy ploy a good idea?
- What types of personalities will jealousy actually work on? Because sometimes it can backfire.
- And then, what types of jealousy tactics or techniques should you actually be trying?
The last time I actually wrote about jealousy was maybe about four or five years ago.
And we’ve learned a lot more since then about what works and what doesn’t work.
So let’s look at this podcast episode as kind of the more updated version behind what we’ve learned about jealousy. So let’s hit the ground running.
Is Using Jealousy On Your Ex Girlfriend A Good Idea?
And ultimately it depends.
So, what do I mean by that?
Well, I think a lot of people misinterpret jealousy because they only look at one singular strategy as the be-all end-all.
We see this commonly with the no contact rule.
You’ll hear people talk about the no contact rule and how important it is to use the no contact rule, but they have kind of this false belief that all they need to do to get your ex backs is just implement the no contact rule.
And it’s a lot more complicated than that.
Jealousy is kind of within that same category of complication.
Jealousy where you’re finding is a great enhancer to your overall strategy assuming that you want your ex back.
We do notice from interviewing many different success stories that there are many different factors that are patterns that the people who are successful are exhibiting that the people who aren’t successful aren’t exhibiting.
So what are some of those patterns?
Well, the first pattern we see is they’re using a no contact rule and they’re extremely disciplined with that no contact rule.
Generally speaking, they don’t break it.
The second thing is they’re using the time during no contact wisely. In other words, oftentimes you’ll hear someone who gets their ex back get to this place emotionally where they just don’t even care about getting their ex back.
It’s almost like, “Hey, that would be great if I got them back, but I’ll live without them.”
And achieving that frame of mind we’re finding is more and more important the more success stories we get a chance to interview, but we have also noticed a pattern of fear of loss.
Generally speaking, when you have the first two factors, when you are implementing a no contact rule and when you are really working on that mindset of basically not caring, I call it the devil may care attitude. It’s just sort of like, “Eh, you know what, whatever happens happens.”
That sometimes isn’t enough in and of itself to make your ex girlfriend want to come back. Oftentimes she, excuse me, needs an urgent reason to want to come back. And that is given to her through a fear of loss. Feeling like she’s going to lose you forever.
And that’s by seeing other women quote unquote, come in on her territory. So, I think jealousy can work if it’s not the only strategy that you’re using and you know that her personality type will take it seriously.
So let’s talk about the personality types for a little bit now.
What Types Of Personalities Will Jealousy Work On?
And this is a really complicated question because we find that jealousy works really well on these types of personalities, but it’s not always a good idea if you know your ex girlfriend can’t handle the jealousy in a mature way.
So what are the personality types?
And ultimately, if you’re looking for me to say, “Hey, this is attachment style,” I’m not going to do that.
I’m going to actually just do what we have noticed work on, for our clients on different exes, right?
- So the first type of personality that we find jealousy works extremely well on is women with low self esteem. So if you know that your ex girlfriend has a low self esteem, jealousy tends to be a lot more potent for that.
- Also, if she has exhibited a aspect of insecurity or possessiveness over you throughout the relationship, jealousy can work extremely well.
- You’ll also notice that jealousy works extremely well if she was overly dependent on you for the relationship.
- And oftentimes people who come to us that want their exes back where their ex was overly dependent on them, are the ones to break up with those exes because they just couldn’t take all of the dependence.
- And then finally, if you want the attachment style, we’re finding anxious attachment styles, jealousy works extremely well.
But that doesn’t necessarily answer the question, if we should be using jealousy in those particular personality traits.
And for this, I’m just going to tell you to be practical and use your gut.
Sometimes and I believe if you look at the reality of the situation, when you’re looking at jealousy, you need to approach it from the perspective of, is this going to help me achieve my goal?
I’m not here to help you try to make your ex girlfriend angry, to manipulate her, or anything like that.
I’m here to help you rebuild a relationship with her.
So if you know that jealousy on your particular ex girlfriend works too well to the point where she can’t contain herself and will grow furious, it’s probably just not a good idea to use it. It’s not that important of a strategy to the overall success rate to be the essential. If you’re finding your ex girlfriend just cannot handle jealousy in a mature type of a way, then maybe don’t use it on her.
This of course leads us to a more interesting question.
What is considered a mature type of way of handling jealousy?
Personally speaking, I think jealousy and feeling jealous over your partner talking to a member of the opposite sex is natural and even encouraged because it kind of tells both parties, hey, I care and they care. But I’m going to tell you what’s not natural, is if your ex-girlfriend has literally gotten in a fight, like a physical fight with you or the other woman that you’re just talking to, that’s maybe very platonic, that’s not a healthy way or a mature way for that matter of handling jealousy.
So use your gut and use common sense.
But, now we come to the more interesting question and that is, what type of jealousy do we see work?
How You Should Be Using Jealousy
When I first started out, I don’t know if any of you know my history because the Ex Girlfriend Recovery Podcast here is pretty new. My other podcast, the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I know very [inaudible 00:10:19] is a lot older, it has over 150 to 200 episodes, a lot of the listeners there know me, they know my history and everything, but the backstory behind when I first started, I first started in, I think 2012, the years just blend together for me now. And I was just a college kid who was just giving people particularly women advice on trying to get their exes back that I thought would work on me.
But the cool part about having people listen to you is you get more data, right? And you actually get to see what’s really working for real people.
And one thing we learned, and one thing I learned right off the bat was, really in your face type of jealousy isn’t a good idea.
Generally speaking, I advise you, if you want to use jealousy to use the less is more approach.
Now, what is the less is more approach?
Well, let’s use two different types of conversation mediums.
We’ll use social media and we’ll also use text messaging.
How should you use jealousy in these two particular types of conversation mediums?
Social media is probably the easiest one to use jealousy in.
We find statistics cite close to about 88% of exes will pay attention to their partner’s profile after a breakup within the first three months.
So it’s a pretty good bet that your ex girlfriend is going to be paying attention to your Facebook profile, Instagram profile, whatever you’re posting on Snapchat, whatever, whatever social media platform is normal for you.
It’s pretty good that your ex-girlfriend’s going to be paying attention to you.
So what you need to do is try the less is more approach. And what I learned is probably the best way of approaching the less is more approach is to literally take another girl out on a date and take a picture of the food with her arm in it, or take pictures of you clinking wine glasses.
This is the less is more approach.
Essentially by putting yourself in a situation that seems more romantic by nature without actually showing you and the other person.
Because what we found is generally speaking, our minds are our own worst enemies. This applies more to my clients who are just heartbroken and desperate to get their exes back but it also applies to your ex, her wondering if you’re with some other woman.
That is going to be even more complicated if she can’t confirm if you’ve got another woman.
And what the cool part is, I get to see both sides of the coin, right? So I work with both men and women. And I can tell you, women are overly obsessive about this if you do it correctly. But that’s the less is more approach on social media.
Now, this is a really interesting thing. Ultimately, you’re going to have to use the elude strategy, essentially alluding or putting yourself in a romantic environment when you’re talking to your ex-girlfriend and mentioning that you’re in the romantic environment with a friend. You don’t tell her what gender the friend is. You see if she’s willing to fish. We’ve actually seen this work extremely well for some of our clients on the Ex Recovery Program Facebook group.
If you don’t know, we have a flagship program, there’s no pressure whatsoever, I usually never even talk about it on the podcast, but anyone who buys access to this entry level $47 product, this digital product gets access to our private Facebook support group, which I believe actually, I’m recording now and I can give you exact numbers so I don’t have to beat around the bush. I believe right now the Ex Recovery Program has about, it looks like 4,175 members, all men and women, there’s 24 people waiting to join the group.
So it looks like I need to accept some people, but here’s the point. Last week, there was a girl who literally tried the less is more jealousy sort of texts with her ex and her ex literally came back and the first question was, “Is your friend a guy?” Implying that he’s very interested if she was on a date with someone else.
So the best way to approach this is, if you’re texting your ex pretty consistently, and then maybe you stop texting your ex for a two hour window and text her back after that two hour window and basically say, “Hey, sorry. I was out at a movie with a friend.”
That’s a good example of a less is more approach because you never imply if the friend was a guy friend or just a friend that you’re taking out on a date and you just kind of give her enough rope to kind of come to the conclusions on her own. And that’s how we typically approach jealousy, which is a little different because a lot of guys or a lot of other gurus, I guess would say, “Yeah, yeah. Get the hottest girl at the bar, take a picture with the hottest girl in the bar.” That can work sometimes, but more often than not, we find the less is more approach works better.