It’s the dream, isn’t it?
If your ex broke up with you, it’s not unlikely that you’ve had one or two fantasies about what it would be like for her to come back to you, begging you to be her boyfriend again.
Maybe in these fantasies she shows up at your door, crying and admits she made a huge mistake and can’t imagine living her life without you.
Or maybe you see her in a bar and she can’t take her eyes off of you, and later you get a text from her saying that she misses you and wants you back in her life again.
I know it feels like this could be a far off pipe dream at this point in the process, but it really can happen. I see it happen all the time.
I’m consistently astounded by the amount of success stories that come out of using the ex recovery process. In the Facebook support group, it feels like there are new stories everyday of ex’s coming back (both men and women) on almost a daily basis.
There are a couple of key tools that you can use to get your ex girlfriend back at your side once and for all, and we’re going to discuss them in detail today. These tools are all helpful at different steps of the process, but I want to say here at the beginning that if you don’t attack this first step with everything you have, you’re going to find it a lot harder to get your ex back.
No Contact & Self Improvement
If you’ve read any of the articles on this site, you know that No Contact is a huge staple of the Ex Girlfriend Recovery program. Every person that I know of who successfully got their ex back utilized No Contact in exactly the right way. And that’s the key. You absolutely have to approach No Contact with the right mindset.
No Contact provides the space needed for both you and your ex to reset emotionally. If gives her time to forget about all the arguments you two had, the habits she didn’t like, and it also gives her the time to miss you. But more importantly (I think), it also gives you some time to indulge in some self care.
Your ego was likely damaged because of your breakup. No one wants to be told that they are unwanted. Even if it’s said in as nice a way as possible, it always feels like “you’re not good enough.” Believe me, I know the feeling all too well. So No Contact offers you the time to recuperate from your pain, and get back to being comfortable being yourself again.
Pick up some things that you had neglected when you were in your relationship. Do things you enjoy, and also things that will make you more appealing to your ex. I think of No Contact as a kind of “ground zero period” where you get to put 100% of your energy on you, and making yourself the best version of you. Over this time, you will slowly begin to feel more emotionally centered, which will help when it comes to all of your future interactions with your ex.
If you used to work out a bunch, but got busy and complacent in your relationship, go hit the gym a couple times a week. Not only will it make you look better, but it will make you feel better, too. Maybe you always wanted to learn how to make your own sushi. What better time? Show off your meal on Instagram for your ex and all of her friends to see. Start reading War and Peace. I don’t know, you do you.
Also take note of what your ex liked and disliked about you, and see if you can tackle each of those points, at least in a minor way. Maybe she didn’t like how closed off you were, and if that’s the case, maybe consider going to see a therapist. It will only help you, and I think everyone should go to therapy at least once in their lives. It could also give you some great tools to heal from the breakup. Or maybe she didn’t like how much you sat in front of the TV playing video games or watching football. Try cutting down on that time and showing yourself doing other cool, new things.
My ex recently mentioned how impressed he was with all of the changes I’ve been making in my life. He said “You’ve really embraced a lot of big changes in such a short period of time.
You’ve been so strong and so brave. I’m proud of you.” The best thing you can do with No Contact is to focus on you. It will be what is best for your healing, and it will also not go unnoticed by your ex, especially if you use social media to your advantage, and are able to slip those changes into conversation with your ex as you interact.
I know it’s tempting to just keep checking your phone, waiting for a text from your ex girlfriend, but please set aside these 21/30/45 days to focus 100% on you and being a better person. It’s fine if your ex is your primary motivation, but you deserve to be better for you, too. So do the best you can to take your mind off of your ex and put it onto you. I actually made a list titled “what to do when you miss him” and kept it in my phone notes. Whenever I felt myself beginning to spiral and obsess over my ex, I threw myself into one of the activities on my list. Make you the priority.
Re-attraction is a very important part of the ex recovery process, and you lay all of the groundwork for that during No Contact. Embrace this time. It’s important.
Push & Pull
Have you ever noticed that when you’re talking to a girl and you’re putting out the majority of the effort, she’s pretty chill and doesn’t initiate much? But then…when you go silent, she starts putting herself out there a little bit more?
This is the push/pull method at work.
I’m actually engaging in a bit of this right now with my ex. He’s been initiating 90% of the time, and therefore, I feel very secure, like I have the power. But earlier this week, he dropped off the face of the earth for two days…So then I started initiating. Can’t let him forget about me, right?
Now, unless he’s on this site, I don’t think it would occur to him to use that as a conscious technique. And I hate to admit it, but the push/pull method worked on me. And you can use this with your ex as well.
“I could do that, but I’m paralyzed with not caring very much.” – Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Triangle”
The push/pull method requires a lot of self-control. I’m learning that when you don’t care, you hold the cards, the power. You can’t jump to respond to your ex the moment she initiates a conversation for the first time. You have to remain somewhat aloof, and make her realize she’s going to have to work for you. Don’t be too available. If she wants to make plans for the same day, then tell her you’re already busy. Wait 20-30 minutes to respond to her text message. Heck, sometimes I wait an hour or two. You have a life that you created for yourself during No Contact, remember? Don’t throw all that work away the moment you receive correspondence from your ex.
This is why it is good to do periodic No Contact periods throughout the texting/meetup/dating phases. You want to remain unpredictable. You never want your ex girlfriend to think that she “has” you. People are always chasing after what is just out of their reach. So stay just far enough out of her reach that she is forced to invest time and energy in you. Keep her guessing.
Moving On Without Moving On
They always say that it is when you move on that your ex comes running back, and I have personally seen this be true time and time again. It’s like you men have, like, radars in your heads that pick up a signal when we’ve decided we’ve had enough of your crap.
…But I suspect the same is true for women as well. In fact, I know it is.
When I was in high school, there was a guy who had a huge crush on me. I was kinda-sorta interested, but not really. He was too available! But as soon as he started showing interest in another girl, I all the sudden wanted him and worked hard to get him again.
It’s similar to the idea of push/pull – when you pull back, the other person will sense that, and if they are interested, they will begin to push, or, show effort.
This is why you are encouraged to date during the Ex Girlfriend Recovery process. Use subtly jealousy techniques. I recently made it known to my ex that I was dating, and he has stepped it up ever since. Moving on without moving on is hard to master, but it’s similar to push/pull in that you kind of just have to act like you don’t care all that much.
As I’ve mentioned before, people want what is unattainable. The moment it seems within their grasp, they lose interest on some level. So if you can give off the vibe that you are moving on (again, not being too available, not acting super interested), you’ll have a better shot of getting your ex back.
The Two Main Pillars
I just posted on our Facebook group yesterday that I think that the two main pillars that are most important in the process of getting your ex back boil down to:
- No Contact and what you do with it (rebuilding confidence, tackling the Holy Trinity of Health, Wealth, and Relationships, and generally focusing on yourself)
- Maintaining emotional control through the process.
It is easy to get wrapped up in your feelings and send an angry or sad text, but ask yourself: Will sending this benefit me in the long run? My guess is that 95% of the time, the answer is no, it won’t. So do what you need to do to not jump to emotional conclusions. Write it out, take deep breaths, and put your phone down. Do what you need to do to make sure you don’t make a call or send a text that you will regret and could potentially set back your progress.
Your ex needs time. But even more importantly, you need time to come back to a centered place and be comfortable being on your own again. In season 3 of Buffy, Spike comes back to Sunnydale after being dumped by his girlfriend, Drusilla. After chaos ensues, he comes to the conclusion that he needs to go back to being the man she fell in love with in the first place. That should be your goal as well. And it starts with you. Don’t just become the man that your ex fell for in the first place. Become a man that you are proud of.
Your ex may come back to you begging to be your girlfriend again. She may not. But either way, you’ll have a better shot of getting her back if you utilize the above tools. And at the end of the day, if you’ve approached No Contact correctly, you will have become happier with yourself and the steps you are taking in your life.
The Ex Girlfriend Recovery process is a marathon, not a sprint. And because it can take such a long time to get your ex back, it really is best if you don’t spend the entire time stressing and being anxious. Should you and your ex girlfriend get back together, you will both be happier if you are happier with yourselves as individuals, first.