Why Did My Ex Girlfriend Text Me Out of the Blue?

Well, she might give you reasons for reaching out, but I’d highly doubt that they are 100% the truth. She might say that she simply wants to remain friends or keep in touch. Both of which are understandable since the two of you most likely established at least an iota of a bond while you were together. Trying to hold onto that connection is a normal reaction right after a fresh breakup.

She may even say that she is worried about you and your well-being.

But still, it usually comes back to keeping that connection alive.Don’t worry. Half the time, us girls don’t even know why we do the things we do, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t reasons even if they aren’t clear to her.So, since it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to tell you what those reasons are, it’s up to you to examine the situation, set aside what you want, and reach your own conclusion based on what you know of her.

Don’t worry. Half the time, us girls don’t even know why we do the things we do, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t reasons even if they aren’t clear to her.So, since it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to tell you what those reasons are, it’s up to you to examine the situation, set aside what you want, and reach your own conclusion based on what you know of her.

Now, I know that you have probably thought of at least one or two of these possibilities. My, goal here isn’t to tell you what your girlfriend is thinking or what she wants. The goal I’m hoping to achieve is to help you see some of the other possibilities and based on what you know of your ex we can make assumptions with an open mind.

If you’re alright with that then let’s proceed.

Reasons Your Girlfriend Reached Out To You

 

Reason #1: You’re Like a Bad Habit For Her

Like I said before you build a connection when you are in a relationship.

So, I’m guessing you two texted quite a bit while you were together, possibly hundreds of times a day. So, it’s not unlikely that when something worth telling someone about happens she might be compelled to reach out to you as a knee-jerk response. It could be something good that happened. It could be something bad.

Whatever it is, she’s used to being able to reach out to you and it is kind of like when you hear a fly and your automatic reaction is to wave your hand around in the air even if the fly is nowhere near you.

Reason #2: Your Ex Girlfriend Needs Reassurance 

Whether she broke up with you or you broke up with her, she needs to know that you don’t hate her. This is why she’s testing the waters to see if you’ll still talk to her.

Reason #3: She Needs Her Ego Fed

It’s not that she wants to be with you. She just finds comfort in knowing that she still has power over you. Generally, this happens in very specific circumstances. The first would be if jumped into a relationship right after yours and it didn’t work out the way she had planned. The second would be if something wounded her ego. The last would be if she has always had a low self-esteem and she is manipulating you into being her safety net till she meets someone else. This one would be fairly obvious because the dependent behavior would show up in other areas of her life.

Reason #4: Animal Instincts – Your Ex Girlfriend Is Acting on Impulse

You know what this one means, carnal pleasures. Women need love too, you know. And they are just as capable of using someone for sex as a man. This is for te same reasons as feeding her ego, but it revolves around physical reassurance. She needs to know, not only that she still has power over you, but that she is still desirable. It doesn’t hurt that she gets to have a little carnal fun while she’s getting reassured. This could be an attempt to recreate the connection you had on the level that you had it by re-establishing a physical connection.

Reason #5: She Wants You to See and Is Playing That Out

Chances are she’s doing fairly decent since you guys broke up. whether she still has feelings for you or not, she will want you to know that she’s doing fine without you. Why? Well, if she still wants you, then it’s because she wants you to see how good she’s doing and want her back. Or if she happens to be perfectly happy, she could just want you to see what you let walk away, kind of like a punishment.

Reason #6: Your Ex Girlfriend Is Simply  Being Nosey

This one is sort of the opposite of the one before it. She’s checking to see how things are going in your world because she either regrets the breakup and thinks she might have made a mistake.

Reason #7: Because You Respond She Keeps the Channel Open

This one kind of goes right along with reaching out habitually. Once you’ve gotten used to texting someone for every little thing, you start to text them for absolutely nothing. Sometimes when you’re lonely or bored, you reach out to things that are comforting. Knowing that someone you once found comfort in is going to be there is something we try to hold onto when we don’t feel like we have control over anything else.

Reason #8: Things Haven’t Gone to Plan So Your Ex Is Working on a Solution

Maybe she left you for someone else. Maybe she thought you were keeping here from accomplishing something. But now she’s realized that it wasn’t you that was the issue. In fact, she’s probably still trying to find out what the issue is. But whatever it is, she just wants to know that she has the option not to chase her dreams alone, even if she isn’t sure how she’s going to achieve them.

Reason #8: She was Drunk

We’ve all been there.

We’ve had a few drinks and you suddenly realize that you’re going home to an empty house. Suddenly, you start to remember all the times that you were happy. For me, it used to be this one trip to visit a friend down at the beach. The Sunday before we were supposed to come back I woke up to the sound of rain.

I didn’t even open my eyes, but I felt my ex’s arm around me pulling me closer. His nose pressed into my hair and I could feel his breath on my neck as he hummed “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5. It’s cheesy I know, but for quite a while after we went our separate ways, I would remember that fleeting moment every single time I found myself crawling under the covers alone after a grabbing drinks with friends after work.

That was fairly often since I wasn’t to keen on letting people get close to me for a while after our relationship fell apart. First loves have a way of doing that to you. Those memories have the power to make you feel like there is a connection there even if it’s been severed. Alcohol has a tendency to tempt you to reach out as if that connection still exists.

It could be weeks after the split.

It could be years.

One of you will give in to that temptation eventually.

Reason #9: She Received Bad News and Needs a Shoulder to Cry On

This is another one of those situations where that connection comes into play again. In fact, it comes into play in most of them. I’m sure you’ve noticed. But in this case and in the next one, she’s reaching out to you because it’s possible that you are a subconscious representation of a moment when she felt safe. If you stick with me, here in a minute I’ll explain how to respond in this and all of these situations.

Reason #10: She’s Depressed and Misses Her Old Boyfriend

It’s not uncommon to be a little down after a breakup. But a lot of times when people are down they’ll reach out, like I mentioned before,  to people in their past that were around when they felt safe or comfortable. Generally, this is more of an effort to used you as an anchor, something to keep her connected to that moment of safety.

Reason #11: She Wants You to Fight For Her

This is the one you are probably hoping for, where she knows she wants you back and she’s giving you that opportunity by reaching out. It’s also much rarer than you’d suspect.

Reason #12: Your Ex is Considering Getting Back Together With Good Ole You

She’s not sure what she wants and she’s looking to see where you stand before hse makes a leap.

Reason #13: You’re Getting Married And Your Ex Girlfriend is Freaking Out

Whether you announced it publicly or she heard it through the grapevine, exes know things. You don’t just stop caring about people just because you go your separate ways easily. As I said before, that connection you built stays even if you cut contact. She will eventually find a way to see how things are going for you.

Whether her reasoning is because she is hoping your miserable without her or if she actually wants you to be happy simply because she cares. Either way, she will troll your social media and casually mention you to mutual friends and relatives until she finds out. So if you have recently made a big leap like starting a new relationship, getting engaged, or getting married, she WILL find out.

She might have fought the urge to reach out at first, but if she reached out to you after you made a big change like this then reaching out is an attempt to reestablish a connection. It’s like when a kid had a toy and put it down, they certainly notice when someone picks it up. Even if she’s not aware of it, she’s reminding you that she had you first.

Reason #14: She’s Getting Married and Figures Your Going To Blow a Gasket

She’s made a major decision and it’s occurred to her that you might not know.

Even though we both know that you’ve been checking her social media and casually mentioning her to mutual friends and family. That’s normal. But if she just made a major life decision, she could just want to know if you still care, but she could also be wondering if she’s making a mistake.

In any situation, most men who want their ex back jump to that last conclusion without ever taking any of the other possibilities into account when they get a text from their ex.

Two Things Are For Sure

If you were hoping to reconcile then these two things are guaranteed in almost all of the cases above, except in the case of marriages, engagements, and depression, texts are most definitely a good sign. However, the second thing that is for certain is that it doesn’t always mean you will reconcile. It all depends on if you respond appropriately.

Now, for some of you who have read other articles I’ve written, you know that I’m all about personal development. I read books all the time. One of my favorite books about getting organized is by David Allen. I know you’re probably thinking “favorite book about getting organized?”

I know. It sounds bananas. I used to be a personal and executive assistant. It was my job to know how to deal with any situation that came up. I jokingly called myself a Professional Creative Problem Solver. This means I teach myself all sorts of things regularly. If something breaks, I learn how to fix it. So, when my boss sat me down and asked me to combine his, his wife’s, and their company’s file system, I read everything I could on filing systems. David Allen’s book has this section about a state of mind referred to repetitively in Japanese martial arts, Mind Like Water.”

“Mind Like Water” is where you harness the ability to control your thoughts in such a way that you respond appropriately to every situation that arises by taking into account all of the factors in play.

Have you ever thrown a rock into a lake?

A little rock responds with little ripples.

A big rock responds with big ripples.

And after it responds, it goes back to being calm as it was before.

No matter what you decide to do, follow our program or not, you need to take into account every single factor. This means, who she was when you first met her, who both of you became during your relationship, and who she was during your breakup.

Now, when you consider all of the possibilities, whether she wants you back or she’s just trying to keep you on the hook for that feeling of comfort, you can respond appropriately and then return to calm and determine how to proceed.

That moment right after you receive that text you stare at the screen and fight the urge to respond immediately. You feel like your heart is going to beat right out of your chest and you can’t make heads or tails of your thoughts because it feels like they’re going in every direction. I know. I’ve been there.

In my opinion, and consequently what we advise in our recovery program, No Contact is your best bet in getting your ex back in almost every situation.

Here’s an article on how to get started. Click here to read it.

Now, the likeliness of you getting her back is lower in situations like #15. But, that doesn’t mean impossible. We’ve seen people come back in light of some very daunting circumstances, so if you want her back, my suggestion is that you take some time to make it through a period of No Contact, and then set yourself up for success by following the guidelines laid out for you in Recovery Pro.

So, What Now?

My entire goal here in writing all of this was to get you to look at the entire situation, instead of seeing what you think will get you what you want. You see, so often when we want something enough, we block out anything that seems to be keeping us from it, kind of like selective hearing. But I’ll tell you right now, there is nothing more harmful to your cause than taking this approach. By considering all of the options, you set yourself up to respond appropriately, like water.

But if you want everything spelled out for you make sure you read this article on how to text your ex girlfriend.

		

Written by EGR team mate

EBR Team Member: Ashley

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44 Comments on "Why Did My Ex Girlfriend Text Me Out of the Blue?"

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Dee
Guest
So I have been doing No Contact with my ex girlfriend for 19 days. Then suddenly, she texts me. Twice. The first text asked me a random question about signing up for college. I don’t respond. A little over 20 minutes later she sends a second text saying “actually, nevermind. Sorry for bothering you”. I don’t respond to this one either, not yet anyway. The next day I decide to break No Contact and regret it. All I say back to her is “It’s okay” in response to her texts to me the night before. Then she quickly responds “okay”.… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi D,
Not so bad but yes, you have to restart nc

Richard
Guest

If she broke up with you, Get counceling to help you change the things she didn’t like about you.
Go to the gym if you feel anxiety or you are depressed, by working out your body releases endorphins which can help you feel better.

only1
Guest

after 10 days of NC she texted me if how am i doing? then she said nevermind, I ignored her text, was it a good sign? did I do the right thing?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

yup, it’s a good sign and you did the right thing.

Tony
Guest
Hi Amor, I broke up with my fiancé over two years ago. We have no contact and never see each other during that period of time. One day, she texted me and ask how I am doing. I asked her to have a cup coffee. I like to talk face to face. She said she will be busy next week. After a month, I can’t get her out of my mind. So, I texted her and ask her to have cup of coffee again. After an hour, she said she was taking nap with her daughter. I can’t believe she… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Hi Tony,

It looks like she just thought about you and messaged.. Maybe something reminded her of you that time..

Mac
Guest
Hi, I was talking to a girl (not officially in a relationship) back in 2012, we were casually texting and meeting back then and it only went as far as a few kisses here and there. She decided that it was’nt right, because of issues with herself and that also with me being older kept putting her off knowing I was the same age as her older brother (only a 3 year age gap) Now recently in March this year she randomly messages me on Facebook, explaining how she still thinks of me, how we had an amazing time together… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

Looks like she wants to hook up with you..

andre
Guest

she texted saying that shes drunk i didnt reply is that a good move?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

yup, that’s good that you didn’t reply and yes, it’s a good sign.

Richard
Guest

When people are drunk it makes them get out their true feelings.

andre
Guest

she texted saying that shes drunk i didnt reply is that a good move? and is that a good sign she texted me?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

yup, that’s good that you didn’t reply and yes, it’s a good sign.

Michael
Guest
Me and my ex have been broken up for a good 2 years. Spoke back and for throughout that time, implementing no strategy and letting emotion have a go at the wheel.. I’m sure you guys can more than imagine. After almost the first year of not talking she messages me with details about a lab assignment for college and said it was an accident, I guess her lab partner is named Mike too. Exchange small talk and she sounded both supportive and interested in what i’ve been doing career wise. She’d leave these gargantuan texts that take up the… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

you went too fast.. slowly build rapport instead.. initiate again.

Michael
Guest

after she said she couldn’t make it I told her its all good, family first..etc. Around 10 hours later she replies “Plus I wouldn’t really know anyone there lol” and kind of just left it at that..been a little over 2 weeks now, would initiating again really be the best option? I really appreciate the help btw, this site is absolutely splendid. keep up the good work!

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

If you want to extend for another week, that’s ok

Mel
Guest
Also forgot to mention that it’s been a month and three days since the last time I texted her (April 9th) about what kind of car to get. Gave an honest opinion then never texted nor went on Facebook. I posted a video from an edm show I was at, but didn’t do it to get a response. I’m just confused. I’m glad she’s doing ok but I just didn’t a text from her. When she told me she had gotten a car, she was excited as hell. I responded with congrats and asked what color. She responded right away… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

because that’s human nature, we want what we don’t have.. when you’re moving on, truly trying to moving on, you’re becoming someone she doesn’t have.. and to keep you hooked, she initiates a message..

Mel
Guest

Well I’ll keep moving forwards but I just wonder if she has some feelings for me or she’s just trying to get me to text her again.

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

it would be safer to say she doesn’t and she’s just keeping you hooked because if she did, then she would have shown more than that

Mel
Guest
So I broke up with my ex about six months ago, after a while I started to miss her a lot so I went to her place about three months after the breakup and simply ask for a second chance. She said not right now which to me meant never again. A month later I texted (Facebook messenger) about a book she had been looking for, she responded right away but didn’t lead anywhere. So I said fuck and never messaged her again. Two days ago she randomly texted me about her getting a promotion and the day after that,… Read more »
Richard
Guest

It sounds that she has feelings for you, you woke them up by making her jealous.

Dan
Guest
My wife left me a week before Christmas. Signed the divorce papers in March. It’s been very cold conversations and she’s been dating. Last week she said that I should only contact her if I needed something and wasn’t interested in hanging out…I went NC after that. Yesterday she texted to say she was cutting the insurance but I already knew that…I didn’t respond Then last night I woke up at 4am and she had texted me at 12:30am a “hey.” then a picture of her TV in her living room that I’ve never seen. Wondering what’s behind this? Should… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

nope..

Alex
Guest
Hi, I’ve just purchased the EGR Pro pack and started to apply the NC rule. However, it’s only been a week since she broke up with me but she texted me out of the blue saying “I miss you, this is much more difficult than I make out”. On the day of the breakup she said she didn’t want a relationship, she was fed up with it, and that she didn’t want to see me at all for about a month after the break up etc. But she’s been texting me saying she misses me, that she feels alone, etc.… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

it’s too early to say she wants you back but she does miss you

Alex
Guest

Hi Amor. Thank you for your response. Should I respond to this at all? Or should I continue with NCR? Will I risk losing her (making her feel ignored, thus want to move on) if I don’t respond?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

finish nc.. if you answer right away, you’d look like you’re just waiting for her to contact you

Cordell
Guest

I have t heard from my girlfriend in 2 months. 29 days into my NC and my girlfriend matched me on tinder. This had to be recent as I just created my account and it was an immediate match so I know she swiped first. Why do you think she did that? I was planning on reaching out but now I’m thinking I should delay in case she might reach out first. Any ideas?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

you can delay it. It’s still the same tactic of taking it slow in building rapport while continuing to improve yourself.

Cordell
Guest

On Day 29 of a 30 day no contact. I see my ex on tinder…I swipe right….INSTANT MATCH. ( meaning She swiped right first) while I planned to reach out sometime this week, now I’m thinking delaying it a week. First, why would she swipe right, I haven’t heard from her in 2 months. Second, should my post NC strategy change since we matched?

Mark
Guest
Hi there, My ex and I broke up 3 months ago…we were in contact mostly by text on and off throughout that time, until she told me she was dating someone else now and to be happy for her and giver her space. So I began the no contact rule starting then. Her birthday was on Day 5 of the no contact period, so of course I did not contact her to wish her a happy birthday. On Day 8 she texted me the following “Funny how you didn’t even say happy birthday”, I didn’t reply to that text bc… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

can be to see if you would react and to know to if you’re social media stalking her.

Mark
Guest

Hi there, I think your response was to my other question in a different section. Can you address this one as well please?

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

it just proves she expects you to chase her..it supports her other actions..she’s getting curious on why you’re not talking to her

Mark
Guest
Hi there. Today is Day 29 of the NC rule for me, and I just received a text from my ex. It was in response to a social media post I made on Day 27 (going to a spin class). She wanted me to go to one when we were dating and I never did. Anyway, her text was “Did you actually go to spin?”. Was wondering how to proceed. Since tomorrow is Day 30, do I break the no contact by just replying to that answering “I did” or something like that, or am I better to wait a… Read more »
Mark
Guest

Update: I replied today (Day 30) after 14 hours with “I did! How’ve you been”. She replied instantly with 2 texts “That’s great. I’m happy you went. Sad you never wanted to go with me but glad you went” then “I’m good. How you doing?”

Was wondering how to proceed (timing and message type) given I didn’t need to send out the initial text to break the NC rule.

EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
Mark
Guest
Used tide theory for 10 days building slowly, then she started bringing up the past relationship in some texts, saying things like she’s angry I’m doing things I am now to improve myself proving how little I cared about her before, she was hurt and frustrated, glad I’m getting my stuff together now that it’s not with her. Answered nicely and changed to a more positive subject. After that text convo ended. she initiated later “why didn’t you do anything to fix things when we were together”, and saying I guess it was bc we just weren’t right together and… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor
you’re doing great..you’re handling her negative texts and bringing back the conversation to being positive and you didn’t stop your activities.. It looks like you know how to keep her hooked.. just remember the times that it’s not suitable to talk to her and her being emotional is a good sign because that means she wants to do those things with you and be with the new you..you just have to be consistent so that it doesn’t look like you changed because of the break up but because you really changed.. no matter what her worries are now, she would… Read more »
Jim
Guest
Hello I wanted to ask about my case since I think it’s kinda complicated .me and my ex mutually broke up like 2.5 weeks before .now to speak the truth we were talking about it 6 months (we were 1.5 year together ).our relationship had a pile of problems ,like mostly depressing stuff.she had mental issues that couldn’t help at all our relationship and she was so jealous about my ex cause ppl around me used to use their names (like parents …. ).so we had not really the best time as those events happened but when we were together… Read more »
EGR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EGR Team Member: Amor

restart nc.. do 30 days this time and be very active in improving yourself and in posting in social media.