Well, she might give you reasons for reaching out, but I’d highly doubt that they are 100% the truth. She might say that she simply wants to remain friends or keep in touch. Both of which are understandable since the two of you most likely established at least an iota of a bond while you were together. Trying to hold onto that connection is a normal reaction right after a fresh breakup.
She may even say that she is worried about you and your well-being.
But still, it usually comes back to keeping that connection alive.Don’t worry. Half the time, us girls don’t even know why we do the things we do, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t reasons even if they aren’t clear to her.So, since it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to tell you what those reasons are, it’s up to you to examine the situation, set aside what you want, and reach your own conclusion based on what you know of her.
Don’t worry. Half the time, us girls don’t even know why we do the things we do, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t reasons even if they aren’t clear to her.So, since it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to tell you what those reasons are, it’s up to you to examine the situation, set aside what you want, and reach your own conclusion based on what you know of her.
Now, I know that you have probably thought of at least one or two of these possibilities. My, goal here isn’t to tell you what your girlfriend is thinking or what she wants. The goal I’m hoping to achieve is to help you see some of the other possibilities and based on what you know of your ex we can make assumptions with an open mind.
If you’re alright with that then let’s proceed.
Reasons Your Girlfriend Might Not Even Know She Has
Reason #1: You’re Like a Bad Habit
Like I said before you build a connection when you are in a relationship.
So, I’m guessing you two texted quite a bit while you were together, possibly hundreds of times a day. So, it’s not unlikely that when something worth telling someone about happens she might be compelled to reach out to you as a knee-jerk response. It could be something good that happened. It could be something bad.
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Whatever it is, she’s used to being able to reach out to you and it is kind of like when you hear a fly and your automatic reaction is to wave your hand around in the air even if the fly is nowhere near you.
Reason #2: She Needs Reassurance
Whether she broke up with you or you broke up with her, she needs to know that you don’t hate her. This is why she’s testing the waters to see if you’ll still talk to her.
Reason #3: She Needs Her Ego Fed
It’s not that she wants to be with you. She just finds comfort in knowing that she still has power over you. Generally, this happens in very specific circumstances. The first would be if jumped into a relationship right after yours and it didn’t work out the way she had planned. The second would be if something wounded her ego. The last would be if she has always had a low self-esteem and she is manipulating you into being her safety net till she meets someone else. This one would be fairly obvious because the dependent behavior would show up in other areas of her life.
Reason #4: Animal Instincts
You know what this one means, carnal pleasures. Women need love too, you know. And they are just as capable of using someone for sex as a man. This is for te same reasons as feeding her ego, but it revolves around physical reassurance. She needs to know, not only that she still has power over you, but that she is still desirable. It doesn’t hurt that she gets to have a little carnal fun while she’s getting reassured. This could be an attempt to recreate the connection you had on the level that you had it by re-establishing a physical connection.
Reason #5: She Wants You to See
Chances are she’s doing fairly decent since you guys broke up. whether she still has feelings for you or not, she will want you to know that she’s doing fine without you. Why? Well, if she still wants you, then it’s because she wants you to see how good she’s doing and want her back. Or if she happens to be perfectly happy, she could just want you to see what you let walk away, kind of like a punishment.
Reason #6: She’s Being Nosey
Reason #7: Because You Respond
This one kind of goes right along with reaching out habitually. Once you’ve gotten used to texting someone for every little thing, you start to text them for absolutely nothing. Sometimes when you’re lonely or bored, you reach out to things that are comforting. Knowing that someone you once found comfort in is going to be there is something we try to hold onto when we don’t feel like we have control over anything else.
Reason #8: Things Haven’t Gone to Plan
Maybe she left you for someone else. Maybe she thought you were keeping here from accomplishing something. But now she’s realized that it wasn’t you that was the issue. In fact, she’s probably still trying to find out what the issue is. But whatever it is, she just wants to know that she has the option not to chase her dreams alone, even if she isn’t sure how she’s going to achieve them.
Reason #8: She was Drunk
We’ve all been there.
We’ve had a few drinks and you suddenly realize that you’re going home to an empty house. Suddenly, you start to remember all the times that you were happy. For me, it used to be this one trip to visit a friend down at the beach. The Sunday before we were supposed to come back I woke up to the sound of rain.
I didn’t even open my eyes, but I felt my ex’s arm around me pulling me closer. His nose pressed into my hair and I could feel his breath on my neck as he hummed “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5. It’s cheesy I know, but for quite a while after we went our separate ways, I would remember that fleeting moment every single time I found myself crawling under the covers alone after a grabbing drinks with friends after work.
That was fairly often since I wasn’t to keen on letting people get close to me for a while after our relationship fell apart. First loves have a way of doing that to you. Those memories have the power to make you feel like there is a connection there even if it’s been severed. Alcohol has a tendency to tempt you to reach out as if that connection still exists.
It could be weeks after the split.
It could be years.
One of you will give in to that temptation eventually.
Reason #9: She Received Bad News
This is another one of those situations where that connection comes into play again. In fact, it comes into play in most of them. I’m sure you’ve noticed. But in this case and in the next one, she’s reaching out to you because it’s possible that you are a subconscious representation of a moment when she felt safe. If you stick with me, here in a minute I’ll explain how to respond in this and all of these situations.
Reason #10: She’s Depressed
It’s not uncommon to be a little down after a breakup. But a lot of times when people are down they’ll reach out, like I mentioned before, to people in their past that were around when they felt safe or comfortable. Generally, this is more of an effort to used you as an anchor, something to keep her connected to that moment of safety.
Reason #11: She Wants You to Fight For Her
This is the one you are probably hoping for, where she knows she wants you back and she’s giving you that opportunity by reaching out. It’s also much rarer than you’d suspect.
Reason #12: She’s Considering Getting Back Together
Reason #13: You’re Getting Married
Whether you announced it publicly or she heard it through the grapevine, exes know things. You don’t just stop caring about people just because you go your separate ways easily. As I said before, that connection you built stays even if you cut contact. She will eventually find a way to see how things are going for you.
Whether her reasoning is because she is hoping your miserable without her or if she actually wants you to be happy simply because she cares. Either way, she will troll your social media and casually mention you to mutual friends and relatives until she finds out. So if you have recently made a big leap like starting a new relationship, getting engaged, or getting married, she WILL find out.
She might have fought the urge to reach out at first, but if she reached out to you after you made a big change like this then reaching out is an attempt to reestablish a connection. It’s like when a kid had a toy and put it down, they certainly notice when someone picks it up. Even if she’s not aware of it, she’s reminding you that she had you first.
Reason #14: She’s Getting Married
She’s made a major decision and it’s occurred to her that you might not know.
Even though we both know that you’ve been checking her social media and casually mentioning her to mutual friends and family. That’s normal. But if she just made a major life decision, she could just want to know if you still care, but she could also be wondering if she’s making a mistake.
In any situation, most men who want their ex back jump to that last conclusion without ever taking any of the other possibilities into account when they get a text from their ex.
Two Things Are For Sure
If you were hoping to reconcile then these two things are guaranteed in almost all of the cases above, except in the case of marriages, engagements, and depression, texts are most definitely a good sign. However, the second thing that is for certain is that it doesn’t always mean you will reconcile. It all depends on if you respond appropriately.
Now, for some of you who have read other articles I’ve written, you know that I’m all about personal development. I read books all the time. One of my favorite books about getting organized is by David Allen. I know you’re probably thinking “favorite book about getting organized?”
I know. It sounds bananas. I used to be a personal and executive assistant. It was my job to know how to deal with any situation that came up. I jokingly called myself a Professional Creative Problem Solver. This means I teach myself all sorts of things regularly. If something breaks, I learn how to fix it. So, when my boss sat me down and asked me to combine his, his wife’s, and their company’s file system, I read everything I could on filing systems. David Allen’s book has this section about a state of mind referred to repetitively in Japanese martial arts, Mind Like Water.”
“Mind Like Water” is where you harness the ability to control your thoughts in such a way that you respond appropriately to every situation that arises by taking into account all of the factors in play.
Have you ever thrown a rock into a lake?
A little rock responds with little ripples.
A big rock responds with big ripples.
And after it responds, it goes back to being calm as it was before.
No matter what you decide to do, follow our program or not, you need to take into account every single factor. This means, who she was when you first met her, who both of you became during your relationship, and who she was during your breakup.
Now, when you consider all of the possibilities, whether she wants you back or she’s just trying to keep you on the hook for that feeling of comfort, you can respond appropriately and then return to calm and determine how to proceed.
That moment right after you receive that text you stare at the screen and fight the urge to respond immediately. You feel like your heart is going to beat right out of your chest and you can’t make heads or tails of your thoughts because it feels like they’re going in every direction. I know. I’ve been there.
In my opinion, and consequently what we advise in our recovery program, No Contact is your best bet in getting your ex back in almost every situation.
Here’s an article on how to get started. Click here to read it.
Now, the likeliness of you getting her back is lower in situations like #15. But, that doesn’t mean impossible. We’ve seen people come back in light of some very daunting circumstances, so if you want her back, my suggestion is that you take some time to make it through a period of No Contact, and then set yourself up for success by following the guidelines laid out for you in Recovery Pro.
So, What Now?
My entire goal here in writing all of this was to get you to look at the entire situation, instead of seeing what you think will get you what you want. You see, so often when we want something enough, we block out anything that seems to be keeping us from it, kind of like selective hearing. But I’ll tell you right now, there is nothing more harmful to your cause than taking this approach. By considering all of the options, you set yourself up to respond appropriately, like water.