Why Am I Still Longing For My Ex Girlfriend

After a relationship ends it is completely normal to have feelings of loss and regret. Missing an Ex happens to nearly everyone. Feeling strongly about your ex girlfriend is very normal.  Having feeling of longing for her and missing her terribly, these are very natural reactions.

Think of it as lingering attraction or attachment.  You have invested a lot in her.  She probably meant the world to you.  And while the break up may have been really rough for you both, when all the dust settles, often the predominaant feelings of love and attachment return.

So if you can’t stop thinking about her, even if she is with someone else now, don’t beat yourself up.  Those connections you built up with your ex girlfriend don’t get unplugged instantly just because she has rejected you or is with someone else.

Why Can’t I Forget About My Ex Girlfriend – She Haunts Me

my ex haunts me

 

You may be thinking that you have been pulled into an emotional dumper.  You long for your ex girlfriend.  You can’t get her out of your head. Your feelings for your ex are so strong, that you start panicking that you have done something that will forever scar your life.

Your mind races through all of the good times you had.  You instantly forget the bad times and all the stuff that happened before the breakup.

Have you ever felt this way?  Does it seem like you are caught up in the cross hairs of unrequited love?  When you try to stop thinking about your ex, does it make you think of her even more?

It’s not easy to stop ruminating over a failed relationship.  I mean really, how do you stop caring for your ex girlfriend if she was your everything at one time?

Better yet, the real question is how do you drive uncontrollable thoughts of her right out of your mind?  Yet at every turn, its seems like you can’t stop romanticizing over your ex girlfriend.

Here are some cold facts about your ex.

Chances are, she is far from that idealized version that keeps haunting you. So before you get all fed up thinking about your ex and have some kind of emotional meltdown, let me walk through 5 things you can do to forget your ex girlfriend.  Otherwise  you just might end up going crazy and doing something that will make you feel even worse.

Something like begging her to come back.  Pleading with her to forgive you.  These moves are almost guaranteed to sabotage your chances of ever getting her back.

5 Ways To Forget Your Ex Girlfriend So You Don’t Drive Yourself Crazy!

forget her

I sure hope you are ready to put your ex girlfriend out of sight and out of mind.  That is kinda how it works, you know.  To find your peace of mind, you need to detach from her, if you hope to re-attach with her in the right way down the line.

Now if you are thinking, “Nah, that can’t be right. All my friends seemed pretty okay after their break ups.”

For example, your friend may seem like he is doing fine because he is out partying with his friends instead of staying home missing his Ex. But is he really having the time of his life or is he just partying to cover up how he truly feels.

So what’s my point?

It’s okay to have negative feelings, you aren’t alone. A lot of other people feel the same way.

Just remember that looks can be deceiving. Lots of men try to drown out negative feelings with positive ones.  It’s called deluding yourself.  We do it all the time, particularly if the breakup with the girlfriend was a bad one.  You don’t want to deal with all those ugly, uncomfortable feelings, so you push them away, pretending you are not hurt.

So this is not the kind of forgetting I am talking about here.  That is the unhealthy way of dealing with a breakup.

So in other words, you don’t want to obsess over your ex girlfriend, thinking about her to the point of just going nearly insane.  But nor do you want to push all your feelings under the carpet, pretending she did not tear a hole in your heart.

It really did happen. Time to deal with it.

So the healthy way of dealing with forgetting you ex girlfriend should look more this:

  1. Join a fitness center and make it part of your daily routine to get a workout in.
  2. Keep a daily journal.  The first time you write in it, make it cathartic experience.  Purge out all your anger, fear, vulnerabilities, and insecurities.  Write it all down.  After that, make your writing more inspiration and future focused.
  3. Cry it out.  That’s right.  It’s healthy and will do you a world of good.  Endorphins are released and will cause you to feel better and gain more perspective.
  4. Talk to your close friends or family about it.  I know, I know. Sometimes these people are not going to understand and may not be well equipped to give you the best advice.  But in most cases, they will be good listeners and  can empathize with what you are going through and this will help.
  5. Focus on what I call the Holy Trinity.  This involves 3 key things you should throw yourself into.  Health, wealth, and relationships.  The idea is to make progress in each of these areas as you focus on rediscovering who you are.  You see, to really move forward and find your sanity, you have to learn to stand on your own.

The Top 3 Reasons Why You Can’t Let Go of Your Ex Girlfriend

OK, so let’s say you are really finding it hard to get over your ex.  That you are not ready to let her go and are are determined to exhaust every effort to get your ex girlfriend back.  Let’s say you get yourself all pumped up and go out and do something that just lands you in even more hot water with your ex.  Now you have really messed things up.  Ouch.

Let me help you here.  What you must learn (and this will help in potentially getting her back) is to detach from her, so you can re-attach with her later.  And to convince you of doing that, I need to make sure you understand why you are finding it so hard to let her go.

Trust me, once you are able to release her on a certain emotional level, you will feel more empowered, which will strengthen your ability for a fuller recovery later.

“But, Why do I still have feelings for my ex girlfriend,” you may ask yourself?

So glad you asked, allow me to explain.

Number One Reason: You Opened Up

Men have a hard time establishing close connections. Opening up to other people is difficult. However, once you’ve been in a relationship for a significant amount of time, you find yourself telling her things that you have never told anyone before. You trust her.

Once that relationship ends you lose that trust and that outlet. It feels like a part of you has been given up and your ex girlfriend is now in possession of it.

There are not many other people that you feel comfortable opening up to in this way, so you naturally miss having someone to share things with.

Reason Number Two: You Got Use To Your Ex Girlfriend’s Presence

When you are in a relationship with someone they become a part of your everyday life. They text you in the morning or you wake up next to them. You hear from them several times throughout the day. They send a message when they see something that reminds you of them and you do the same.

So after the breakup when you are driving down the road and pass that restaurant where your girlfriend did that funny thing that one time, you instantly want to reach for  your phone to take a picture so you can send it to her.

But the cold truth is your girlfriend  isn’t there for you anymore. She doesn’t want to share that memory with you. That absence is painful and makes you realize exactly what it is that you’ve lost.

Reason Number Three: Not Enough Time Has Passed Since It All Ended

This one is a little different than the other two.

Missing your Ex can make you think that you have made a terrible mistake. You might feel like you need to get her back in order to be happy.

Except this might not be true.

It’s possible that not enough time has passed since the relationship ended. You’re still in the break up fog. You may be missing the closeness and you may be missing her daily presence, but this does not mean that you are missing HER.

And I know what you are thinking: “No. You’re wrong. It’s her. I’m missing HER!”

But just hear me out for a minute…

Are You Confusing Deep Attachment with Simply Missing Her and the Routines You Both Shared?

confused by girlfriend

There are a couple of different ways how to tell the difference between actual deep feelings of attachment for an Ex and just missing having someone in your life

There are three key factors to consider:

  • Time
  • Exposure
  • External Influence

Cryptic. I know.  So let’s talk some more about it.

1. Time

If your relationship ended within the last month, it is almost impossible to know for sure whether you are just missing having a girlfriend or if you are missing this particular girl. You need to give yourself enough time to recover.

Also, you and your ex gf broke up for a reason. Trying to chase her down right after the relationship ends will not give either of you an opportunity to settle down the emotions and work on correcting whatever problems you contributed to the break up.

So time is your ally.

After the 30 days (or 45  days if the relationship ended very badly) you will have a greater perspective as to if you still want this relationship and what you want out of it.  After this passage of time,  you should have had enough time to process the grief of the break up and can now look at the situation objectively.

If you still really miss her after a good deal of time has passed, then that’s that- you really miss her.  But realize you are just one part of the equation.  Your ex girlfriend may be in an entirely different mental place.

So give time a chance to work its magic. Who knows,  after some time you might find that you are ready to find a new love with someone else.

One more thing.

If it has been a very long time since the breakup – a year, two years, even five or more years and you still have strong feelings for your Ex then you either truly have some unfinished business and should explore it and reach out to her or you have developed an unhealthy preoccupation with your old girlfriend.

It’s difficult to be honest with ourselves about things like this, but if you think the second option may be the case then it might help to talk it out with a therapist.

2. Exposure

Being constantly exposed to reminders of your Ex or your ex girlfriend herself is going to make it difficult for you to know if you miss her or just the idea of her.  There are plenty of dysfunctional and incompatible relationships out where the two people just don’t belong together, but the force of their routines and the fear of change can keep people together.

Let’s say that you are in a situation where you work with or go to school with your Ex.

You see her almost every day but you can’t touch her, can’t talk to her, can’t do anything.

You just have to watch as she walks around all beautiful and happy. Of course in that situation you are going to miss her. You are going to be drawn to her because you were accustomed to having her available to you. And even if you don’t really love her in all the rights ways, deep inside something inside you still wants to possess her.

So not only is your ex girlfriend right before you, dangling what you lost, she’s also has now become the forbidden fruit. It can drive you crazy not having her.

If psychology has taught us anything, it’s that people want most what they are not allowed to have.

These deep psychological desires may be clouding your judgement.

Your better off to avoid her as best you can. Ask to work alternate shifts or take different routes to classes. Seeing her as little as possible will give you the distance needed to sort out your feelings.

Constant reminders of your Ex are dangerous too.

Let’s say that you two lived together and when you broke up she moved out. Now you are left surrounded by all of the memories that you built together in the house. You see a pillow and instantly think of how cute she looked the last time she fell asleep on it. This has the same effect as seeing her in person.

In order to know for sure whether you miss her for the right reasons, you need distance. Avoid her and pack away any painful reminders and then see how you feel.

3. External Factors:

External huh?

What I mean by this is what and who are you surrounding yourself with?

Have you tried finding someone else and seeing how you feel about it?

If you are constantly only thinking of your Ex and no one else, then there is no way to know for sure if that is what you really want.

Example: Let’s say one day you ate a fast food burger. You loved it. You thought it was the best burger ever. Once you finished the burger you were sad. You thought to yourself that you would never find another burger like it. A couple days later someone offers you a high-end specialty burger with cheese and bacon (or whatever your preferred toppings are). But you decline the delicious deluxe burger because you can’t imagine it being better than the fast food burger.

I know that sounds a little insane but it does make sense if you think about it. In order to know for sure if you truly miss your Ex, you need to go out with other people or at least live some life detached from your ex girlfriend.

This does not mean that you have to jump in the sack with every girl you see or try to fall in love with another girl.  It only means that you might need to meet new people, include women who you may end up liking a whole lot.

Doing all these things will help you gauge just how compatible you and your ex girlfriend truly were.

I Still Can’t Stop Caring For My Ex Even Though I Am Dating Someone Else

how to let her go

There is one important factor to consider here.

How long since the breakup?

Is this new relationship a rebound? If you began the relationship within two, maybe even three months of your old relationship ending then there is a good chance that you found a rebound girl.

It happens.  And often, you won’t even know that you are doing it.  It just that sometimes you need to have those feelings and needs met.

Rebound relationships are not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, they can help you get over an Ex or a bad breakup. However, they tend not to last and if you are still in love with someone else, then it isn’t fair to the other girl.

I know.  If only you could sort out all your confusing feelings.  But that is what time is for.  Remember that.

If you think that you may be in a rebound relationship have fun, but keep the other person’s feelings in mind and be sure to end things before they move too far.

But what if it isn’t a rebound?

If you have been in this new relationship for a long time or if it has been a long time since you and your Ex broke up then you should step back and look at the situation.

If things are going well, why mess up a good thing.

But if you recognize that there are problems in your current relationship, talk to your partner. It may be something that you can work through.
However, if you really, truly, 100% miss your Ex and want them back, then you need to end the current relationship. Staying will only hurt that person more.

6 Ways To Know If Your Ex Girlfriend Really Wants You Back?

Sadly, women tend to show that they miss Exes in a lot of different ways. So you need an ex whisper to figure this out. You are lucky I am here!

More sadly, one woman’s “I miss you” statement could be another woman’s “I’m over you” declaration. So just know you cannot really know the mind of your ex girlfriend.  But I can give you some clues to work with.

So proceed with caution.  The rules around what your ex girlfriend might really want are not carved in stone.

So here we go:

1. Your Ex Girlfriend Flat Out Tells You She Wants You Back

Simple enough right? If she says that she misses and does it often enough or with enough sincerity, then she likely does. However, if you are in the 30 day no contact period then take this with a grain of salt.  She may just be going through her own flip flop emotions and the the break up fog has not lifted for her yet.

2. Your Ex Girlfriend Yells At You For Seemingly No Apparent Reason

I know, it sounds like a bizarre way for your ex girlfriend to tell you she wants you back.  But the other side of anger and passion is love and passion.  If you aren’t giving her the attention that she was expecting after the break up, then she may become angry and lash out. This is just an attempt to get you to react so that she knows you still care.  I call it poking the dumb boyfriend.  Because guys, we can be pretty thick headed sometimes.

3. She “Moves On” Fast… Too Fast To Be Believed

If you break up with your Ex and two days later she is gushing online about how happy she is and how life could not be better, don’t panic. She may just be trying to make you feel like you are missing out, or she is trying to convince herself that she is better off.

4. Your Ex Girlfriend Tries Too Hard

Let’s say you just can’t help but peek at her social media and find that it is covered top to bottom with images of her out at clubs wearing a dress that is a little too short standing next to a whole entourage of different guys. She could just be posting those images to make you jealous in hopes that you will reach out to her.

5. The Drunk Call From Your Ex Girlfriend

If your Ex calls or texts you while they are drunk, it is usually a pretty good sign for you. It means that you are in her subconscious. HOWEVER, (big however) do not respond or go see them while they are drunk.

You run the risk of this becoming a booty call and while this may seem tempting, it won’t lead you down the road that you really want to be on.

6. She Goes Out of Her Way To Profess How Happy She Is

Another important thing to remember is that happy people generally do not try to convince other people that they are happy. If your ex girlfriend is posting quotes or status updates about how she is way better off or how she is ready for New Life or a New me, then she is probably trying to force herself to believe it and she is probably hurting just as much as you are, looking for a way to reconcile, while saving face.

Closing Thoughts On the Mind of Your Ex

As I said, keep in mind that these are GENERAL statements and clues.  You can’t be sure of anything when dealing with your ex girlfriend as she can be hard to read. If your Ex sends you an angry text, she may just be angry at you. If she goes out partying with a ton of guys, she may just like partying with guys.

Never assume to know for sure what a woman is thinking. It’s a dangerous game.

		

Written by EGR team mate

EBR Team Member: Ashley