“Can you believe it”,my client told me. “My ex-girlfriend took up with another guy. Incredible…I just got dumped for some other dude!”
It is always a shock when your ex girlfriend tells you she wants to break up with you. But when you find out that she left you for another guy, it can be shattering.
After all of the initial shock had worn off, my client was pretty pissed. He was having a difficult time processing what he was feeling.
But when you boil it down, what my client really wanted to know is whether he should just throw in the towel.
The way he figured, if his girlfriend had called it quits with him due to some other guy, then the hell with her.
At least, that was his attitude in the early days following the revelation that she was wooed away.
“But is it finally over”, he asked me? “Did some other man really sweep her off her feet”?
He really didn’t know because as soon as she mentioned that she was romantically involved with another guy, he just stopped listening.
In his mind that was it. The relationship was over. He wanted nothing to do with her. How could she do such a thing. It was unbelievable that she would cheat on him.
All these thoughts and more churned through his mind in the early days. But now, a couple of weeks have passed and my client is starting to think about her all the time, wondering if what they had before can be salvaged.
This kind of thinking and this sort of reaction to a failed relationship, particularly when it involves your girlfriend dumping you for another man, can just tear right through you.
It is like a tornado event, destroying everything in its path. And the harder you try to turn off these thoughts of your girlfriend dumping you for some guy, the angrier you feel.
But then eventually the anger subsides and you find yourself thinking of the good times with your ex-girlfriend. It is an awful, cyclical way of existing. One day you are really mad and upset with your ex girlfriend. You are wondering what the hell happened and why she would betray you. Then the next day, you are wondering if she will ever come to realize she made a huge mistake and what you might do to get her back.
Then you think, “crap, I am not even sure if I want her back”. Then the cycle starts over again and again.
The Ex Dumping Grounds
I call this type of emotional turmoil after being dumped by your ex girlfriend the “Dumping Grounds”.
I have had a lot of men come to me in this state of mind after being victimized by an Ex dumping.
Breaking up in such manner is probably the most painful way two people can separate.
Even your ex-girlfriend, if she has a heart, it going to be hurting inside. And that is what you want. Not because you are a vengeful person and want her to suffer. But rather, if your ex-girlfriend is broken up by what happened, it shows she still cares about you and just maybe, if things fall a certain way and you want her back, the two of you can make another go at it.
So when I deal with the Ex “dumping grounds” I get all kinds of questions.
Perhaps you came to my website with one of these questions on your mind. Perhaps you are are looking for some solutions. I am literally asked thousands of questions every day about how to recover one’s ex-girlfriend.
Let’s take a look at what is on people’s minds:
- My girlfriend dumped me but I want her back.
- My ex-girlfriend keeps texting me even though she dumped me for some guy.
- I got dumped by my ex-girlfriend so should I use the No Contact Rule?
- My ex-girlfriend dumped me and now she says she want to be “friends”.
- She did the dumping, but now wants to have sex with me. Should I?
- My ex girlfriend dumped me again. Is it really over?
- She left me for another guy and now she says she wants me back. What now?
- Should I text my ex-girlfriend even though she ran off with some other dude?
- How long should I wait to contact my ex after getting dumped?
- My ex girlfriend left me for someone else.
- I am a mess after getting dropped by my ex-girlfriend. Help me.
So we are going to tackle some of these topics. To do this, I am going to break up this post into four main areas which include:
I. Why Do Girls (Women) Dump their Boyfriends for Another Guy?
II. What Could She Possibly See in This Other Guy But Not in You?
III. What Should I NOT Do After Getting Dumped?
IV. How Do I Work My Way Back Into Her Heart?
Are you ready to dive into this? I bet your are! See ya on the other side.
I. Why Did My Girlfriend Dump Me For Another Guy?
So why in the heck would your girlfriend just drop you and start up with another guy?
A million things probably flood through your mind as you play out what happened over the course of the relationship. You analyze each thing searching for answers. You try to drill it down to the one thing that would cause her to leave you. (Note to reader: Seldom is is just one thing.)
I know, getting dumped is no fun. The truth is that it happens to almost every guy. Now, not everyone will admit they have been dumped. But it is much more common and in fact, a natural process on the dating and relationship scene.
Now, you may be thinking, “How in the hell is this natural? It is cruel and devastating to get dumped. Nothing feels natural about it”.
Well, I can’t argue that. Yes, getting dumped is a form of breaking up and every break-up is painful, particularly if the couple have a great deal of themselves invested in the relationship.
But I stand by what I say. Let me try and explain.
When you break up with someone, invariable one of you initiated it.
Sure, it could be argued you both had a hand in the break up. But almost always, somebody initiates the dumping.
And hit hurts on both ends. Both the guy and the girl, no matter who did the dumping, will not come out the process completely whole.
And it will take some time for recovery to be realized.
So, let’s get to the part that is a natural.
a pic of a guy and girl just staring at each other, unsure
Relationships are kind of like a tryout process.
You go out into the world and you meet a girl. You date and let’s say you both enter into a “relationship”.
Well, in a way, each of you are trying out the other. No two individuals are ever perfectly compatible.
You can’t be sure it will work until you put yourself out there. And no matter what, there will be some bumps along the way because we are all so uniquely different as individuals.
In fact, I know of no one who is perfectly matched up with their soulmate.
Relationships take work and time. It takes a while to resolve the compatibility issues and other problems that the relationship may encounter.
Sometimes things don’t work out, so people part.
It happens a lot.
It is a naturally occurring way of how the sexes sort things out.
Now, here is what does not happen very often. Seldom does a couple that look into each other’s eyes and calmly and lovingly agree that things are not working out and choose to part ways on friendly terms.
That is rare.
It is a nice way to think about things, but in the real world, it seldom happens this way.
So, this is what I mean when I said that it is natural for relationship success to ebb and flow. And when things don’t work out to the satisfaction of one or both of the parties, somebody will dump the other.
Now the word “dump” sounds like a harsh word. It sounds like somebody just throws another person aside.
But whether you were “dumped” or “broke up” is really a matter of semantics and a circumstance of who initiated the act.
I guess it comes down to how one does it…..the words that are used to cushion the blow. But any form of a break up is a harsh experience.
Usually, one of you will be sensing things are not working out or possibly both of you may realize things are going to pot.
Whatever the case, break ups are a natural outcome of our attempt to bond with someone. Some bonds stick, others do not.
And when they don’t, somebody gets dumped and you feel like sh#t.
What is NOT ordinary, is getting dumped for another guy.
It happens, but in the normal course of how relationships are judged, getting dumped by your girlfriend because she is pursuing another guy is clearly a FOUL in my book.
It is like that biblical saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. I am quite certain that your girlfriend would be shattered if you had dumped her for another woman.
So why did she do it?
Why on earth, you wonder, did she hook up with HIM…whoever he is.
And by the way, be prepared for a lot of second guessing on your part. You are going to roll it around your head trying to make sense of why she left you and took up with this other dude.
If you are lucky, she might tell you the real truth. But my experience with these situations is that the truth will either been hidden from you or wrapped up in uncertainty.
Whatever the case, learning of her preference for another guy will usually come as a shock to you. Even if you thought of the possibility, the reality of it actually happening to you can be jarring.
II. Top Reasons for Why a Guy Gets Dumped
As with most things involving relationships, there are no simple reasons why your ex-girlfriend ended up in another man’s arms.
Let’s see if we can make some sense of how it all came to be. Here are some of the top causes of why you were dumped:
Some Other Guy Put the Moves on Her:
Yep, it happens. There are some sleaze balls out there who will prey on women, even if they know they are taken. They way they think about it is everything is fair game. If your girlfriend is good looking and friendly, then Mr. Sleaze Ball, Prince Charming will do what he does best…put the charm spin on her. Before she knows it, she is lured into his world of romance and mystery. And all women love romantic experiences and a little mystery can go a long way.
She Reunites With an old Flame:
Somewhere in her past, an old boyfriend may be looming. It is not uncommon for a couple to talk about their past dating lives. Curiosity sometimes will spill out all of the lurid details. Initially it can start off as a conversation bordered in trust. It is like, “you tell me about your past boyfriends and I will tell you about my former girlfriends”. We sometimes have an insatiable desire to understand everything about our lover, even their past romances. We seem to have this deep seeded need to compare and contrast our past dating lives. So when this “old flame” rears his ugly head, it could be someone you knew about. Way back in your mind, you might have even thought about the prospect of her hitching up with this guy again. But when you are in love, you tend not to dwell on such things. It’s like, out of sight, out of mind. And it is probably a healthy way of processing such information. You certainly don’t want to spend you time obsessing over your girlfriend’s past exploits. But in this scenario, where you are dumped for one of her old boyfriends, it can be really painful as all of those memories come rushing back. You can have thoughts like, “I should have known. I always suspected this could happen. Maybe I could have done something to avoid this from happening?” Look, it is not unusual to do a lot of second guessing when your ex girlfriend dumps you for her old flame, but the truth is no one can know if such a thing will happen. You can’t live your life worrying about every possible outcome or planning for every possible contingency. You would go insane. In fact, if you just got dumped for her old boyfriend, you probably already feel like you are going insane. Sometimes a guy is taken completely by surprise when his Ex hooks up with an an old flame. This dude may be a complete mystery to you. She may have never mentioned him. If this sort of thing is unfolding in your life, just know that women, just as men, have all kinds of motivations for not telling you certain things. So don’t eat yourself up with the “why question” as to her dishonesty. It does not change the fact that she is presumably resuming her prior relationship with this old boyfriend. Your focus should be on matters of what is more likely to happen and what you can do to get her back…if you want her back. We will get into these juicy details a bit later in this post.
She Has Been Two Timing You all Along:
I hate this when I come across it and thankfully it does not happen frequently. But on occasion, a woman will be in a “committed” relationship with you, but will also be stringing another guy along on the side. Maybe they broke up in the not too recent past and then you and her became an item. Except, she may still have unresolved feelings for this other guy. So you are left with the short end of the relationship stick, so to speak. Some girls struggle with making a decision or are afraid to let their other relationship partner go. So they get stuck in this limbo land where they care for you, but also care for this other man. I know, it can get confusing and not just for her. In some cases you get this awkward triangle where all three parties in the relationship are confused and uncertain as to what they really want or what it all means. Chances are, this other guy may have been dumped when she met you. Then, after some time of battling her “longing feelings”, she goes back to the other guy to confront those feelings and their relationship starts all over again. The breach of trust becomes a secondary issue in your ex-girlfriend’s mind as she gives in to the the two different forces pulling at her. One force is you, the other force is the other guy. My experience with such situations is that invariably, they work themselves out. Your advantage is that you are here at my website gaining some valuable insight that will hopefully give you a leg up on this other guy.
She Has a History of Skipping From One Guy to the Next:
Once in awhile you might come across a girl who has a history of entering into relationships and then breaking them off. It becomes an endless cycle of meet, date, breaking up, and then moving to another guy. If this is what is happening, then getting dumped is much more about your ex-girlfriend’s failings than your own.
She Has Sex With A Guy and Thinks He is the “One”:
Sometimes you get situations in which the girl you were dating meets another guy somewhere else. It could be at a party or a chance encounter of an old friend at the shopping mall. Then as fate would have it (actually it’s NOT fate!) your steady girlfriend falls into the arms of this other man. What set it all into motion could be any number of things. At this stage, try not to overanalyze what brought her infidelity to the forefront. Sexual human chemistry can bring two people together, but that does not necessarily mean they are meant for each other. Nor does it mean this other guy she found is the “One”. Clearly, if the dumping occurred because you ex-girlfriend fell into the arms of another man and they ended up having sex, the sting of this betrayal will hurt. You will want to take extensive time away from your ex in the form of a No Contact Period to deal with this. What you end up doing will be largely based on how you feel after you complete the recovery period.
What Does This Guy Have That You DON’T Have
You will probably be wondering what she sees in this other guy.
It is normal to think about such things, though I wouldn’t dwell on it. It is also not unusual to compare the other guy with yourself. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of not thinking this way.
It is a slippery slope…. the old “comparison” game.
You might come up with many possible things this other guy might possess, that you don’t.
If you focus on this kind of comparison, you will drive yourself nuts.
It is not worth the mental energy.
And the truth is that you can never be sure exactly what is going on in your ex girlfriend’s mind. Beware of trying to read the mind of a women, you will always fall short of the true reality of what is really going on.
And believe you me, oftentimes your ex-girlfriend is pretty foggy upstairs about what is causing her to pursue her present relationship course of action. So don’t try to make these ridiculous and speculative comparisons between you and this other guy.
Let’s just call him the “slimeball” for now!
That should make you feel a tad bit better.
Don’t speculate about whether the “slimeball” has better physical attributes or is a better lover or has a better job or a better personality.
Don’t go down that road. Most of the time, you will probably be wrong whatever you are thinking.
Just know this.
He is a slimeball.
He took your ex-girlfriend away (at least for now) and if he was such a great guy, she would not have broken up with him in the first place (or he would not have dumped her). Now, in no way am I excusing her behavior. Your ex is certainly not blame free in any of this. She did choose to dump you and latch on to this meathead.
No one forced her.
So, going back to the main question of what this guy presumably has, that you don’t….. just remember, reflecting on such things is a “fool’s errand”. It is a road you do not want to travel.
The answers you may summon up are rarely accurate and only create more emotional pain. This kind of thinking just makes you feel weak and look weak.
In fact, if you choose later to patch things up with your ex-girlfriend, the last thing you want to project is a demeanor of weakness.
III. What Should You NOT Do After Getting Dumped?
I decided to compose a list to help you be aware of the things you should avoid doing or thinking about after being dumped. Are you ready for an attitude adjustment! Ok, let’s get on with it:
Do not, under any circumstance, contact your ex girlfriend in any way immediately following the “dumping”. Rarely, will anything you have to say make her change her mind. In fact, more often than not, it causes your ex-girlfriend to dug in her heels even more. It gives her confirmation of things she probably does not like about you. For example, no one likes to be confronted and told they are making a big mistake. Nor does anyone enjoy (unless it’s perverse joy) another person begging for forgiveness. Swallow hard and just accept that now is not the time to try and make things right. In fact, in most cases, I usually recommend the guy in this situation implement the No Contact Rule in which the period is usually 30 days.
Do not try to intentionally sabotage her relationship (or whatever it is she has with this other guy) with this other suitor. Such efforts are seldom effective and often just blow up in your face. Your ex-girlfriend will immediately see through any efforts you make to try and break up the relationship she now has with this other guy. In fact, she may be expecting it. Don’t give her what she may be expecting. Don’t give into your anger that most definitely will be seething underneath. Your ex-girlfriend will need to eventually discover for herself that the “dream” relationship with this new guy is really partly cloudy and stormy. Later, I will offer you some tactics you can employ that can indirectly help her with getting to that place in her mind. But in no way should you forcefully and visibly try to break up her “supposed” new found love. Time is often your ally in these situations. Just know that right now, your ex-girlfriend is living inside a bubble. If you play your cards right, that bubble will burst all by itself and when she looks your direction again and sees a former boyfriend that has all his sh#t together, you will have her back in the fold.
If you “think” you may want your ex-girlfriend back in the near future, then don’t play the jealousy card in the early days. Don’t go out on dates or do and say things that would lead her to think you have completely forgotten her. Those actions will just cause her to strengthen her resolve that “dumping you” was the right decision. Look at it this way….dumping an Ex is not an easy thing to do. Chances are is that she thought long and hard about whether it was the right thing to do. She still probably has doubts about whether she made the right decision to let you go and pursue this relationship with another man. You want to play upon that “doubt”. A little bit of doubt and uncertainty is like a pebble in a shoe. It can rub at a person, causing them to think about it increasingly more often.
If you eventually want your ex back, then just because she dumped you, does not excuse you to start dumping on her. You need to guard against angry outbursts. Let me repeat that. You need to guard against getting pissed off and saying mean and awful things to your ex girlfriend. I want you to think of every negative word you might say to your ex girlfriend who dumped you as a “withdrawal” to your “trust account” you have with your ex. For a relationship to work in the future, you need trust. But if you spend your time withdrawing that trust in the form negative and ugly comments or text messages, then you are making a huge mistake. You will be making your future efforts of trying to win her back, much more difficult.
Don’t give up. Relationships end in break-ups often and for many reasons. Getting dumped for another person that enters the picture is not unusual. If you and your ex girlfriend have dated for any reasonable period of time, then you have already formed a bond together. Bonds are not easy to totally sever. They can get stretched and they can get broken, but they often snap back together. There has always been a natural push and pull between guys and girls. It is just coded into the way things operate between the sexes.
IV. How Do You Work Your Way Back Into Her Heart?
First, you need to ask yourself, is that really what you want to do.
You need to explore things in an objective and holistic way.
What do I mean by that?
Well, when I speak of objectivity, what I am talking about is being honest with yourself. You need to embrace the facts. The problem with objectivity though is that it is sometimes shrouded in a cloud of uncertainty.
In the time period immediately following the break up, you will likely not see much of anything objectively.
If you have faults that contributed to the break up, they are unlikely to hit your radar screen in the early days. It can take weeks before you starting thinking more clearly and objectively.
You have heard of the fog of war, right?
Well, the same phenomenon happens right after a relationship ends in you being dumped.
All of your senses will feel heightened.
You will tend to overreact in every emotion.
Anger will be your default reaction in those early days, followed by denial.
Eventually, after you have traveled through some depressing times, you will arrive at some form of acceptance and objectivity.
All of this takes time.
Time usually works with you. It enables you to get your head screwed on right.
a pic of some guy standing where he can see everything
You also need to see things holistically before you make any key decisions as to what your really want to do.
Seeing your relationship with your ex-girlfriend in a more holistic manner will be beneficial to you in seeing the bigger picture. When there is a break up, there are also a lot of moving parts.
You are dealing with your emotions.
You are dealing with your conflicted feelings.
You are uncertain as to what it all means.
You probably do not have a full grasp of why your ex-girlfriend dumped you for this other dude.
As I mentioned earlier, time is a great ally in helping you sort out things. The bigger picture of what you really want and what your ex-girlfriend may actually desire, tends to come into better focus with time.
When you see things holistically, the picture of what to do with your life comes into better focus.
After some period of time of recovery and reflection, you may arrive at a place where you realize it is not worth pursuing her again. Perhaps there have been multiple break ups in the past. Maybe you arrive at the conclusion that the bond was not that strong in the first place due to the lack of compatibility. Maybe you have only been dating for a few months and you figure it is not worth the risk of more emotional pain.
My point is that you won’t have insight about such things until some time has passed.
Entering Into No Contact
a pic of a guy becoming the best version of himself
So what are you to do during this time and how long should you allow for recovery?
Let’s take the last part first.
I would recommend you take at least a 21 to 30 day period of recovery. This means that you should do everything you can to avoid thinking about your ex girlfriend.
Don’t try to re-live every moment seeking to make sense of it all.
What I want you to do is put the spotlight on trying to become the best version of yourself.
So you got dumped.
Hey, remember, it happens.
As we discussed, being dumped by an ex is part of the natural course of how guys and gals figure things out. If I was to venture an educated guess, I would say that about half of these situations turn out to be short lived….meaning that the two of you will be able to reconnect sometime in the future.
To optimize your chances, you need to adopt this recovery period I referred to earlier. During this time, avoid talking or communicating with your ex-girlfriend in any way.
This approach is commonly called the No Contact Rule.
Yes, there are some exceptions to this rule, but by and large, most of these exceptions are pretty obvious, though sometimes it can get a bit complex given certain circumstances.
In fact, I am in the process of writing a comprehensive ebook, “The No Contact Rulebook”, that will get into great detail about how to optimize the No Contact Rule and deal with when and how to make exceptions.
Oddly as it may sound, when you institute the No Contact Rule, you are actually doing something that will meaningfully enhance your chances of recovering your Ex.
Let’s talk first about the mechanics of how to do this successfully.
Most men and women, when they implement the No Contact Rule, end up failing. The reasons are obvious. Most people are weak in “heart”. And who can blame you.
Because we are so accustomed to being with the one we love, the forces that drive us to reconnect can be so powerful, it can cause the well intentioned individual to crumble and give in to their needs and impulses.
We succumb to the addiction of wanting to be with our girlfriend.
These addictive forces are fed by the chemistry of our brain, so understandably, it is difficult for many to tow the line and avoid communicating with their ex girlfriend.
Of course, giving in to these impulses is often a huge mistake. It only serves to set you back farther and/or make you look desperate.
Remember, she dumped you, so you will need to be extra vigilant about keeping your commitment to not break the No Contact Rule.
a pic of guy holding up his hand and swearing an oath
To help you keep your commitment, try doing something symbolic to forge your allegiance to staying true to yourself.
I like physical acts that create a lasting memory in our minds.
Try running a few more miles than you are accustomed to running or lift a few more pounds than you have ever done in the past. If you don’t like those ideas, then consider climbing mountain or bicycling 25 miles.
Whatever feat you choose to do, at the end of the accomplishment, take out a sheet of paper and make a declaration of keeping your commitment to not violate the “No Contact Rule”. Write it down and pin it up somewhere.
Your symbolic gesture can be anything, just make sure whatever you do, it resonates in your mind.
If you want to work your way back into her heart, you need to understand the difference between things within your control and those things you cannot influence.
I would argue that there are pretty decent odds that your ex-girlfriend will discover, in time, that the “grass is not greener” and this “new guy” is not at all what she expected.
To a large extent, you are banking on this.
It is hard to put odds on the likelihood of this happening in your individual case because to estimate such a thing I would need to know a great deal more about your relationship (e.g. how long the two of your were together, if there has been previous break ups, etc).
Just know that part of the recovery strategy is out of your control.
Learn to accept that.
a pic of a guy hypnotizing a girl
So what is in your control?
Well, as we discussed, instituting a no contact period so you have time to recover emotionally and work on being the best version of yourself is one thing you can do.
Creating an environment in which your ex-girlfriend wonders why you have not contacted her is also within your control.
Avoiding any efforts to go on any dates or “playing the field” is yet another signal you can send to your ex-girlfriend that indicates you are still potentially available.
Your ex girlfriend who dumped you will miss you.
That is natural reaction she will have.
You don’t spend a lot of quality time with a person without it having an emotional impact on you. So there are somethings you can do to maximize this “effect” (i.e. her missing you). Be sure that your social media postings reflect that “you”, personally, are “getting along” quite well.
Now, you don’t want to over do it and make it out like you have turned into a party animal. But you want her to look at images of you or read postings you have authored, that reflect the best things about you. That you are fun, good looking, interesting, and positive. You want to leave the impression that you hold no grudge.
I would also suggest, in the beginning stages of the No Contact period, avoid playing the jealousy card.
But toward the last few weeks of the recovery period, I would advocate you utilize some common friends to informally convey information to her that you “might be seeing someone else”.
I like to keep things shrouded in mystery.
Less is more.
You want your ex-girlfriend who dumped you to think much more about you. To accomplish this, you have to “play” on mystery.
Women like to think and fantasize about things. So don’t give her too much to chew on when you are playing your jealousy card. Let her fill in the blanks.
I also recommend you purchase my e-books, “Exboyfriend Recovery Pro” and “The Texting Bible” because these comprehensive publications will walk you through the entire process of attempting to recovery your ex-girlfriend.
There is only so much I can cover here, though I have given you some really useful prime nuggets of information. But if you are truly committed to giving yourself the best chance of reuniting with your Ex, then you need to get a lot smarter on the strategies and tactics.
And one area that you will really want to gain greater insight about is how to utilize text messages to re-ignite her interest.
That is why I recently published, “The Texting Bible”. So many of my readers, who were on the wrong side of “being dumped”, were looking for details and examples of what they should say in all different types of situations. That resources is now available to you.
I will leave you with a quote.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present.